Bow, sit, stand, walk

I went for a run this morning.  I haven't been sleeping well.  I have tried to be more consistent in exercise, and I have tried journaling my feelings before bedtime.  I am asking the Lord to give me good sleep which protects me against being stressed with work.  The Lord knows it is a catch 22.  When I let myself get stressed out about work, I don't sleep as well, and then I'm more vulnerable to stress.

I care too much about what other people think of me.  At the surface, it appears that I want people to have a good opinion of me.   But I started reading a book about shame, and I am now thinking so much of my motivation is a fear of letting people down which may be a fear of shame.

As I was running, I was telling the Lord that He is the only man who will judge me.  He is the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.  His opinion is the only one that matters.

I was reminded of Psalm 1:

‭Psalms 1:1-3 NIV‬

[1] Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, [2] but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. [3] That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers.

I was thinking about the progression in verse 1- walk, stand, sit; it is a degradation, a loss of momentum.  Not explicit in this passage, but the next step of the progression is bowing to idols. 

As I was running, the Lord gave me a word that the progression in His life is the opposite.  We first bow down (prostrate) in submission and worship of Jesus and repent from the ways of the world.  Then He seats us in heavenly places in Christ Jesus.  We rest in Him.  Then we stand with the righteousness of Christ upon us.  Then we walk worthy of our calling, completing the good works which he has prepared for us.

Father, thank you for your patience with me.  I want to be faithful and pass this test.  Holy Spirit, please deliver me from worldly mindsets and patterns, especially fear of shame.  I want to love you and be driven solely by a desire to love you and honor you.  Jesus, I want to serve you faithfully.  I want to abide and rest in your fellowship and communion.  I love you.

Freedom

The day before the 4th of July.

I want to be free from my overly strong sense of duty and responsibility that leads to me being a workaholic.

‭Galatians 5:1, 6 ESV‬

[1] For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. ... 

[6] For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision counts for anything, but only faith working through love.

I can not impress God with my accomplishments. He connects with me on the basis of the sonship that He brought me into; He has fathered me.  I do not need to perform for His approval or even to gain audience with Him.  I can be myself with Him, my true incomplete and imperfect self.  In fact, being transparent and vulnerable with Him is essential to our communion.  

I want to stop trying to optimize my life based on the knowledge of good and evil or based on the law and works.  This is futile.

I believe the portal to freedom is abiding in Christ.  

Father, please teach me to abide.  Holy Spirit, I want to listen to you inviting me to abide, not the voices of the world trying to distract me or capture my attention with futile endeavors.  Jesus, you are the way, the truth, and the life.  You are the only way to the Father.  You are the vine, and I am a branch. I want to bear fruit that remains.  I am salt and light.  Father, I am your son.  Please help me walk in this identity and reality.  I love you.

Security and peace

Father, please forgive me for seeking security and peace in worldly things.  Please forgive me for thinking that I need to work so hard to provide for my family.  You are the provider, and you are the protector.  You are my security.  I am a steward.  Father, please deliver me from worldly mindsets; I want to be transformed by the renewing of my mind.  Father, also please purify my heart; I want my emotions to match your heart.  I want to live as a free man, walking in the overflow of your abundant life.  I love you.

Distracted by worldly things

I have been working way too hard for way too long.

Why?

I think the first layer is because I don't want to let people down.  I care too much about what people think of me.  I want to have a good reputation. I live most of my life pressured by a great sense of duty and obligation. At times, I also worry about making sure I have enough research projects to cover my summer salary so that I can pay the bills.

Yesterday, the sermon was on Martha being distracted while Mary was singularly focused on listening to Jesus.

‭Luke 10:40-42 ESV‬

[40] But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me." 

[41] But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, [42] but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

The word "distracted" is περισπάω (perispaō, the only appearance in the NT) which means to draw (like drawing a sword out of it's sheath) away.  The word "anxious" is μεριμνάω (merimnaō) which comes from a root word that means to separate into parts or to cut into pieces. The word "troubled" is θορυβάζω (thorybazō) which comes from a root word that means noise.

From my reading this morning:

‭1 Corinthians 7:29-32 ESV‬

[29] This is what I mean, brothers: the appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none, [30] and those who mourn as though they were not mourning, and those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing, and those who buy as though they had no goods, [31] and those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For the present form of this world is passing away. [32] I want you to be free from anxieties. ... 

The truth is that our Father is a good Father, and He will take care of me and my family.  I want to care only what the Father thinks and not worry about what people think of me.

Father, I trust you, and I care what you think.  I want to honor you.  I have been arrogant and distracted.  Please forgive me, and deliver me from my inordinate sense of obligation.  I want to walk in freedom. I love you.

Walking with the Spirit

I tend to think I see the world in monochrome.  And when I feel like I've made a mistake or got burned, I tend to respond with a "That won't ever happen again" rule to protect myself.

But that's just religion.  That isn't walking with the Spirit.

Yesterday, I had my second counseling appointment sonce 2021, and it was really helpful.  The therapist pointed out some behavioral patterns that I can work on; I know it will take a devoted effort, but I have hope that I can be free from trying to earn the approval of others.

Father, I break agreement with rules-based living, and I make agreement with depending on a fresh word from Holy Spirit for every decision.  Jesus, thank you for your example.  I love you.

Simplicity of abiding

Yesterday afternoon in Austin, I had the privilege of meeting with Jeff, an older Brother who was a spiritual mentor when I was a graduate student.  He reminded me of the simplicity of abiding in Christ.  I am meditating on these verses this morning:

‭John 15:4-5, 9 ESV‬

[4] Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. [5] I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 

...

[9] As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. 

I'm trying to just sit still and visualize sitting with the Father with no agenda.  Just enjoying each other's presence.

Father, I love you.  Thank you for making me who I am.  You knit me together in my mother's womb.  I am carefully and wonderfully made.  I am your son.  I am not an orphan or a slave.  My value is independent of my productivity.  I am yours.  You define my value and worth, and Jesus's blood is the price you paid.  Please forgive me of pride and arrogance that I could define my value any other way.  Holy Spirit, please guide me to an accurate perspective of myself and the Father.

Refine my objective function

‭Psalms 38:9 NIV‬

All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.

In optimization programming, the objective function is the definition of what  you are trying to either maximize or minimize.  In the Scriptures, the heart, mind, will, and emotions are spoken of as aspects of the soul. 

Father, I want my heart to match your heart; I want to have pure and holy desires, not worldly desires.   I want my mind to think your thoughts, not worldly thoughts.  I want my will to be calibrated to seek your Kingdom and your righteousness, not worldly aspirations.  I am tired of working too hard.  Please refine my objective function.  I want my emotions to match your emotions.  Please recalibrate the programming of my soul.  I love you.