Reflections on 2019

My one word this year was joy.  I told our homegroup that I failed the joy test this year and need to repeat this word again next year.  Sharita said that I should not expect to perfect joy in one year and that I need to keep moving forward with a new word for 2020.  Joy will always be part of my journey.  I hope I do better at it next year.

The Enneagram studies have helped me realize that my Type One perfectionism and self-criticism are self-destructive and negatively impact my family.  On one of our long drives last week, Brandi and I were discussing follow up questions from our last personality coaching session, and she told me that she thinks I need to receive the Father's grace and know that I am absolutely loved, even though I have made mistakes.  I told her that I struggle with that in two ways: first, I don't see how God can make up for my mistakes, and second, I don't see how I am worthy of God's love.  Brandi responded with something very insightful and helpful: I have made my self-evaluation an idol.  I want to repent of my idolatry.  It is foolish for me to think that I can objectively evaluate myself.  It is imperative that I hand the gavel back to Him.  He already finished using it on Christ.

I think my love of rules and structure constrains joy. I need to learn to love freedom, mercy, and grace.  The Pharisees had a similar struggle. I think the main difference between the older son and the prodigal son was that the prodigal son chose to join his father's celebration; he yielded any of his self-judgement to his father's will.

Father, thank you for loving me unconditionally.  You have determined that I am worthy of your love.  Help me receive that in my soul.  I don't want to be the older son; I want to join your celebration.  Please forgive me for trying to cheapen your love by trying to earn it.  Help me rest in your mercy and grace.  I live in a divine comedy; you are working all things for my good.  And thank you for my precious wife who loves me so patiently.  Father, I want to spend more time hanging out with you.  I trust you, and I want to join your celebration.  And I don't want to sit dejected in the corner.  Holy Spirit, please show me how to dance.  I love you, Father, and I worship you.

Transparency

The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, ...

Hebrews 1:3 NIV

Continuing with the transparency analogy from the previous post, I want God to refine me to have a pure crystalline lattice structure that is completely aligned with Him like a perfect fiber-optic material so that His spiritual photons are losslessly transmitted through me.  I don't want to have any amorphous (random, crooked) structure within me.  I want to have a perfect index of refraction (i.e., unity).  

Father, thank you for refining me to be like Jesus, perfectly revealing your goodness and love.  Holy Spirit, please remove anything within me that obstructs or disperses your light.  Please align my heart, will, mind, and emotions to allow your light to shine perfectly through me with no distortion or loss of intensity.  At the same time, increase my absorbance of your light, and make me re-radiate your light such that it is in perfect phase alignment with you.  I love you, and I ask in the name of Jesus.

Walking in the light

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.  If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.

1 John 1:5‭-‬10 NIV

I am a recovering perfectionist.  I still often expect myself to be perfect.  Perhaps "walking in the light" doesn't mean "being perfect" the way I instinctively feel an obligation to never make a mistake.  While I strive to be perfect as my Father is perfect (Matt. 5:48), perhaps the similar challenge to be holy because He is holy (1 Peter 1:16) is congruent with "walking in the light", since "holy" means to be "set apart".  Obviously, in the passage in 1 John, we are not expected to have never sinned, but rather to live in a humble way of confessing sin and turning away from it.  

I think there is a qualitative difference between walking in darkness and walking in the light (which includes a minimum set of faith and works), but perhaps there are gradients of light.  

How do I step closer into the light?  I want to walk in a realm where the light is even brighter.

Father, you are light, and there is no darkness in you.  Jesus, you are the light of the world.  Holy Spirit, lead me closer to the light. I want to be spiritually transparent, not translucent.  I love you.