I went for a run this morning. I haven't been sleeping well. I have tried to be more consistent in exercise, and I have tried journaling my feelings before bedtime. I am asking the Lord to give me good sleep which protects me against being stressed with work. The Lord knows it is a catch 22. When I let myself get stressed out about work, I don't sleep as well, and then I'm more vulnerable to stress.
I care too much about what other people think of me. At the surface, it appears that I want people to have a good opinion of me. But I started reading a book about shame, and I am now thinking so much of my motivation is a fear of letting people down which may be a fear of shame.
As I was running, I was telling the Lord that He is the only man who will judge me. He is the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. His opinion is the only one that matters.
I was reminded of Psalm 1:
Psalms 1:1-3 NIV
[1] Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, [2] but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. [3] That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers.
I was thinking about the progression in verse 1- walk, stand, sit; it is a degradation, a loss of momentum. Not explicit in this passage, but the next step of the progression is bowing to idols.
As I was running, the Lord gave me a word that the progression in His life is the opposite. We first bow down (prostrate) in submission and worship of Jesus and repent from the ways of the world. Then He seats us in heavenly places in Christ Jesus. We rest in Him. Then we stand with the righteousness of Christ upon us. Then we walk worthy of our calling, completing the good works which he has prepared for us.
Father, thank you for your patience with me. I want to be faithful and pass this test. Holy Spirit, please deliver me from worldly mindsets and patterns, especially fear of shame. I want to love you and be driven solely by a desire to love you and honor you. Jesus, I want to serve you faithfully. I want to abide and rest in your fellowship and communion. I love you.