Bow, sit, stand, walk

I went for a run this morning.  I haven't been sleeping well.  I have tried to be more consistent in exercise, and I have tried journaling my feelings before bedtime.  I am asking the Lord to give me good sleep which protects me against being stressed with work.  The Lord knows it is a catch 22.  When I let myself get stressed out about work, I don't sleep as well, and then I'm more vulnerable to stress.

I care too much about what other people think of me.  At the surface, it appears that I want people to have a good opinion of me.   But I started reading a book about shame, and I am now thinking so much of my motivation is a fear of letting people down which may be a fear of shame.

As I was running, I was telling the Lord that He is the only man who will judge me.  He is the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.  His opinion is the only one that matters.

I was reminded of Psalm 1:

‭Psalms 1:1-3 NIV‬

[1] Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, [2] but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. [3] That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers.

I was thinking about the progression in verse 1- walk, stand, sit; it is a degradation, a loss of momentum.  Not explicit in this passage, but the next step of the progression is bowing to idols. 

As I was running, the Lord gave me a word that the progression in His life is the opposite.  We first bow down (prostrate) in submission and worship of Jesus and repent from the ways of the world.  Then He seats us in heavenly places in Christ Jesus.  We rest in Him.  Then we stand with the righteousness of Christ upon us.  Then we walk worthy of our calling, completing the good works which he has prepared for us.

Father, thank you for your patience with me.  I want to be faithful and pass this test.  Holy Spirit, please deliver me from worldly mindsets and patterns, especially fear of shame.  I want to love you and be driven solely by a desire to love you and honor you.  Jesus, I want to serve you faithfully.  I want to abide and rest in your fellowship and communion.  I love you.

Freedom

The day before the 4th of July.

I want to be free from my overly strong sense of duty and responsibility that leads to me being a workaholic.

‭Galatians 5:1, 6 ESV‬

[1] For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. ... 

[6] For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision counts for anything, but only faith working through love.

I can not impress God with my accomplishments. He connects with me on the basis of the sonship that He brought me into; He has fathered me.  I do not need to perform for His approval or even to gain audience with Him.  I can be myself with Him, my true incomplete and imperfect self.  In fact, being transparent and vulnerable with Him is essential to our communion.  

I want to stop trying to optimize my life based on the knowledge of good and evil or based on the law and works.  This is futile.

I believe the portal to freedom is abiding in Christ.  

Father, please teach me to abide.  Holy Spirit, I want to listen to you inviting me to abide, not the voices of the world trying to distract me or capture my attention with futile endeavors.  Jesus, you are the way, the truth, and the life.  You are the only way to the Father.  You are the vine, and I am a branch. I want to bear fruit that remains.  I am salt and light.  Father, I am your son.  Please help me walk in this identity and reality.  I love you.

Security and peace

Father, please forgive me for seeking security and peace in worldly things.  Please forgive me for thinking that I need to work so hard to provide for my family.  You are the provider, and you are the protector.  You are my security.  I am a steward.  Father, please deliver me from worldly mindsets; I want to be transformed by the renewing of my mind.  Father, also please purify my heart; I want my emotions to match your heart.  I want to live as a free man, walking in the overflow of your abundant life.  I love you.

Distracted by worldly things

I have been working way too hard for way too long.

Why?

I think the first layer is because I don't want to let people down.  I care too much about what people think of me.  I want to have a good reputation. I live most of my life pressured by a great sense of duty and obligation. At times, I also worry about making sure I have enough research projects to cover my summer salary so that I can pay the bills.

Yesterday, the sermon was on Martha being distracted while Mary was singularly focused on listening to Jesus.

‭Luke 10:40-42 ESV‬

[40] But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me." 

[41] But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, [42] but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

The word "distracted" is περισπάω (perispaō, the only appearance in the NT) which means to draw (like drawing a sword out of it's sheath) away.  The word "anxious" is μεριμνάω (merimnaō) which comes from a root word that means to separate into parts or to cut into pieces. The word "troubled" is θορυβάζω (thorybazō) which comes from a root word that means noise.

From my reading this morning:

‭1 Corinthians 7:29-32 ESV‬

[29] This is what I mean, brothers: the appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none, [30] and those who mourn as though they were not mourning, and those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing, and those who buy as though they had no goods, [31] and those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For the present form of this world is passing away. [32] I want you to be free from anxieties. ... 

The truth is that our Father is a good Father, and He will take care of me and my family.  I want to care only what the Father thinks and not worry about what people think of me.

Father, I trust you, and I care what you think.  I want to honor you.  I have been arrogant and distracted.  Please forgive me, and deliver me from my inordinate sense of obligation.  I want to walk in freedom. I love you.

Walking with the Spirit

I tend to think I see the world in monochrome.  And when I feel like I've made a mistake or got burned, I tend to respond with a "That won't ever happen again" rule to protect myself.

But that's just religion.  That isn't walking with the Spirit.

Yesterday, I had my second counseling appointment sonce 2021, and it was really helpful.  The therapist pointed out some behavioral patterns that I can work on; I know it will take a devoted effort, but I have hope that I can be free from trying to earn the approval of others.

Father, I break agreement with rules-based living, and I make agreement with depending on a fresh word from Holy Spirit for every decision.  Jesus, thank you for your example.  I love you.

Simplicity of abiding

Yesterday afternoon in Austin, I had the privilege of meeting with Jeff, an older Brother who was a spiritual mentor when I was a graduate student.  He reminded me of the simplicity of abiding in Christ.  I am meditating on these verses this morning:

‭John 15:4-5, 9 ESV‬

[4] Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. [5] I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 

...

[9] As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. 

I'm trying to just sit still and visualize sitting with the Father with no agenda.  Just enjoying each other's presence.

Father, I love you.  Thank you for making me who I am.  You knit me together in my mother's womb.  I am carefully and wonderfully made.  I am your son.  I am not an orphan or a slave.  My value is independent of my productivity.  I am yours.  You define my value and worth, and Jesus's blood is the price you paid.  Please forgive me of pride and arrogance that I could define my value any other way.  Holy Spirit, please guide me to an accurate perspective of myself and the Father.

Refine my objective function

‭Psalms 38:9 NIV‬

All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.

In optimization programming, the objective function is the definition of what  you are trying to either maximize or minimize.  In the Scriptures, the heart, mind, will, and emotions are spoken of as aspects of the soul. 

Father, I want my heart to match your heart; I want to have pure and holy desires, not worldly desires.   I want my mind to think your thoughts, not worldly thoughts.  I want my will to be calibrated to seek your Kingdom and your righteousness, not worldly aspirations.  I am tired of working too hard.  Please refine my objective function.  I want my emotions to match your emotions.  Please recalibrate the programming of my soul.  I love you.

believing ahead

King David wrote Psalm 30 for the dedication of the temple.  His son, Solomon, actually built the temple, and David wasn't there for the dedication.  But David knew it was going to happen.  By faith, he wrote a Psalm so that he could participate in the dedication of the temple.  David's heart was to honor Yahweh by building the temple.

What do I want to do to honor Yaweh that might come to fruition after my lifetime?  How do I invest effort and exercise faith presently to begin something significant for the glory of God and somehow spiritually participate in that future realization?

Father, I love you, and I want to desire to honor you greatly, as King David did.  Help me shift my perspective from surviving to thriving.  Help me focus on you and see your glory, goodness, and love and be overwhelmed in gratitude that leads to a desire to honor you greatly.  I love you.

Jesus healed everyone who came to Him

Matthew 14:14 NIV

When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.

Other passages in the Gospels include the word "all."

We have really enjoyed watching The Chosen series because it generally highlights the compassion and gentleness of Jesus. Admittedly , the series is historical fiction, so a lot of the backstory of the characters is assumed. Unfortunately, by the end of season four, there are two characters who could have been healed by Jesus, but instead, he withholds healing. This is inconsistent with the overall narrative of the Gospels.  

I don't know why sometimes people don't get healed today, but I know that when Jesus was walking around, He healed everyone who came to him and some at a distance.  There is no record in the Gospels of someone coming to Jesus for healing who he did not heal.

Father, I want to be an instrument of healing.  Please heal me, and pour your healing through me into others.  I am a vessel of your presence, compassion, and power.  Jesus, thank you for your example.  Holy Spirit, please guide me.  I love you.

Plunder the strong man

Matt 12:25-29 

25 Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them, "Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand. 26 If Satan drives out Satan, he is divided against himself. How then can his kingdom stand? 27 And if I drive out demons by Beelzebul, by whom do your people drive them out? So then, they will be your judges. 28 But if it is by the Spirit of God that I drive out demons, then the kingdom of God has come upon you.

29 Or again, how can anyone enter a strong man's house and carry off his possessions unless he first ties up the strong man? Then he can plunder his house."

The enemy is destined for defeat.  We are destined for maturity and victory.

Father, you have ordained us as children of God, and you have destined us for victory.  We are ambassadors of the Messiah.  Please reach us how to walk in the ways of the Messiah, tying up the strong man and plundering his house, setting captives free and bringing children home to the Father. Jesus, thank you for your example. Holy Spirit, please guide us and train us to walk in your anointing and power.  Help me listen to you.  I love you.

My life is too busy

‭Proverbs 3:13, 17 NIV‬

[13] Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding,

...

[17] Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace.

A peaceful and pleasant life is associated with finding wisdom.  However, I push myself too hard, and I overload myself with responsibility. I care too much about what other people think of me. I judge myself critically.  

Wisdom tells me to know the limits of my finite capacity and to not obligate myself for 100% duty cycle.  Wisdom tells me to focus on what my Father thinks, not people.  Wisdom says Jesus is the judge, not me.

Father, I accept the invite of my humanity. Jesus lived a perfect life within the constraints of finite human capacity. He took time to sabbath and rest.  Jesus spent time daily with the Father to know His will.  I break agreement with the lie that my value is proportional to my productivity. I break agreement with the lie that I am capable of judging myself accurately. Jesus, I trust your evaluation. Holy Spirit, I submit myself to your loving guidance.  I love you.

Humble instead of judgemental

The sermon on Sunday focused on Luke 6.

‭Luke 6:37-38 NIV‬

[37] "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. [38] Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

There is only one person who will judge: Jesus.  Not me.

I repent from arrogance and pride which leads to judging others.  I break agreement with the mindsets from the tree of knowledge of good and evil.  Instead, I humble myself before Jesus, ask for forgiveness, and partner with the mindsets from the tree of life.

Father, thank you for your mercy and grace.  Thank you for your patience with me. I want to be a humble man. Holy Spirit, please guide me.  I love you. 

Perfect love

Matt 5:43-48 NIV

43 "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

If I want to be like my Father, I need to love everyone, not only my family and friends.  For much of my life, I have interpreted verse 48 as focusing on being morally perfect (i.e., without sin), but this morning it occurred to me that verse 48 is referring back to verse 45 and instructing us to love everyone (i.e., a perfect 100% of everyone).

Father, I am your son, and I want to love everyone and be kind to everyone as you are.  Jesus, thank you for showing me the way. Holy Spirit, thank you for your power.  I love you.

Breaking agreement with the fear of failure and shame

I called my mom yesterday afternoon and asked her if I've always been somber/melancholy personality, and she said she remembers me as a kid running and laughing freely.  I want to recover that freedom and joy.

I think at least one thing that has been constraining my joy is a fear of failure.  

I had a great conversation with Brandi at dinner last night about this issue. I worked hard in high school to get good grades. I remember worrying as I started college that I was going to fail out of college my first semester and be an embarrassment to my family and small town.  Then the pressure I put on myself went to the next level in college maintaining a "perfect" 4.0 GPA.  I remember my last semester being so stressed out about getting A's in all my courses.  Then in grad school, I ratcheted up the pressure on myself even higher, especially finishing my dissertation.  But the fear of failure was especially intense as an assistant professor.  I have struggled with imposter syndrome since I started as a professor.

What does agreement with the fear of failure offer me?  Somehow it is a temptation to mitigate the risk of shame by self-righteousness.

I am made in the image of Yahweh, and I am his adopted son.  I break agreement with the fear of failure and the fear of shame.  I choose to be motivated by the agape love of God.

Father, thank you for your endless mercy and grace through Jesus which covers my sin and shame and makes me whole and holy.  Thank you for your unconditional and unending agape love.  I love you.

Homework

As an educator, I require many homework assignments throughout the semester because I am biased by my own experience of learning a great deal through completing homework assignments.  I noticed a correlation that I felt like I learned more in courses which assigned more homework.

I sense that the Lord is inviting me to focus on practicing opportunities for spiritual growth in my own home with my wife and children.

Father, I want to be faithful in the small things, blessing my wife and children first with the overflow of your goodness through me.  I love you.