Breaking agreement with the fear of failure and shame

I called my mom yesterday afternoon and asked her if I've always been somber/melancholy personality, and she said she remembers me as a kid running and laughing freely.  I want to recover that freedom and joy.

I think at least one thing that has been constraining my joy is a fear of failure.  

I had a great conversation with Brandi at dinner last night about this issue. I worked hard in high school to get good grades. I remember worrying as I started college that I was going to fail out of college my first semester and be an embarrassment to my family and small town.  Then the pressure I put on myself went to the next level in college maintaining a "perfect" 4.0 GPA.  I remember my last semester being so stressed out about getting A's in all my courses.  Then in grad school, I ratcheted up the pressure on myself even higher, especially finishing my dissertation.  But the fear of failure was especially intense as an assistant professor.  I have struggled with imposter syndrome since I started as a professor.

What does agreement with the fear of failure offer me?  Somehow it is a temptation to mitigate the risk of shame by self-righteousness.

I am made in the image of Yahweh, and I am his adopted son.  I break agreement with the fear of failure and the fear of shame.  I choose to be motivated by the agape love of God.

Father, thank you for your endless mercy and grace through Jesus which covers my sin and shame and makes me whole and holy.  Thank you for your unconditional and unending agape love.  I love you.

Homework

As an educator, I require many homework assignments throughout the semester because I am biased by my own experience of learning a great deal through completing homework assignments.  I noticed a correlation that I felt like I learned more in courses which assigned more homework.

I sense that the Lord is inviting me to focus on practicing opportunities for spiritual growth in my own home with my wife and children.

Father, I want to be faithful in the small things, blessing my wife and children first with the overflow of your goodness through me.  I love you.

Time to plow

The last two years have been a season of transition.  Late 2022, we transitioned out of leadership of the small church we had been part of for a dozen years and started attending a very large church in El Paso that had a large youth group for Beau.  The opportunity to be a professor at Texas Tech opened up early 2023, and I came to interview that May.  We moved into a rental house in Lubbock in mid-July, and we started school in August.  The kids integrated well during the fall semester and made friends.  We started attending Renew Life Church early in the fall semester. We offered to purchase several homes, but our offers were not selected.  We had an incredibly nice house in El Paso.  Mid-spring 2024, we started attending Church on the Rock and discovered several connections very rapidly.  We also finally came to terms with the limitations of a significantly more expensive real estate market in Lubbock compared to El Paso (which I still don't understand!) and a significantly higher interest rate (7% compared to 3%). In May 2024, we placed an offer on a house with an attached apartment for Brandi's parents so we could help care for Brandi's dad as he battled ALS.  They got to walk through and were excited about this house.  Sadly, Brandi's dad went to be with the Lord a few hours before we closed on the house purchase (mid-June).  We moved from our rent house over the next several weeks.  After four years of teaching kindergarten and four years of teaching first grade, Brandi started teaching 4th grade in the fall of 2024.  Beau started high school.  In October, I was asked to lead a large interdisciplinary collaboration for water in Texas.

About a week ago, Brandi and I were on a walk around our neighborhood, and I was reflecting on this season of transition.  Then I saw a brief picture of a tractor plowing in a field.  As I thought about it, I realized the tractor was listing (building up the beds, preparing for planting).  I feel like the Lord was telling me that 2025 is a season of preparation.  First, I need to do the work of preparation of the soil of my heart to be fertile for the Life of Christ to produce a harvest through me.  I need to mature significantly in my spiritual gifts.  I need to grow and mature to be a better husband, father, friend, and professor.  Second, the field represents the work that I and my family have to do here in Lubbock.  We need to do the work of preparation by building relationships and partnerships with other families to reveal the Kingdom and help it grow here.  There are so many people here who have heard about Jesus, and many who have even walked an aisle and think they are saved but are actually deceived because they have not repented and followed Jesus.  There are also so many people here who are self-righteous and racist; it hurts me deeply.  So, much of the soil here is hard and dry, and it will take a lot of work to loosen the soil and build up beds to prepare for planting seeds of zoe life.

Father, please give me hope for 2025.  I know it will be a lot of hard work, but please give me hope for your zoe life to grow and produce a harvest.  Please send your rain.  Please encourage us, and help us stay focused on investing our time and effort in activities of eternal value.  Please don't let me waste my life.  I love you.

Reign in life

‭Romans 5:17 NIV‬

[17] For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God's abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ!

Notice the change in the reigning entity:  Adam's sin allowed death to reign, but Christ's death allows us to reign.

Father, thank you for the opportunity to reign in life.  Jesus, thank you for your example for us to follow.  Holy Spirit, please teach me how to reign in life.  I love you.

Drinking the Spirit

‭1 Corinthians 12:13 NIV‬

[13] For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. 

I want to learn how to drink the Spirit.

Father, I am so ignorant.  I don't know how to drink the Spirit, but I want to. You promise to give wisdom generously to those who ask.  Holy Spirit, please teach me how to drink.  Lord Jesus, I want to be filled with the Spirit like you.  I love you.

Jesus is both High Priest and High King

‭Zechariah 6:9-13 NIV‬

[9] The word of the Lord came to me: [10] "Take silver and gold from the exiles Heldai, Tobijah and Jedaiah, who have arrived from Babylon. Go the same day to the house of Josiah son of Zephaniah. [11] Take the silver and gold and make a crown, and set it on the head of the high priest, Joshua son of Jozadak. [12] Tell him this is what the Lord Almighty says: 'Here is the man whose name is the Branch, and he will branch out from his place and build the temple of the Lord. [13] It is he who will build the temple of the Lord, and he will be clothed with majesty and will sit and rule on his throne. And he will be a priest on his throne. And there will be harmony between the two.' 

Gold and silver represent heaven and redemption, respectively.

"Joshua" is the English version of the Hebrew equivalent (יְהוֹשׁוּעַ) for Jesus's name in Greek (Ἰησοῦς).

Jesus is the Branch from Jesse, and he is High Priest in the order of Melchizedek.  He is the High King, and we are his temple.

Father, you have made an amazing story with humanity!  Jesus, thank you for being the High Priest and High King.  You are the singularity.  I love you! 

Testing and Promotion

Daniel was awakened by the officer sent to execute him because King Nebuchadnezzar didn't know the meaning of his dream.  Daniel and his friends asked God for mercy and revelation, and God answered.  They were tested, and they experienced God and His goodness in the midst of the testing.  Then King Nebuchadnezzar promoted Daniel, and Daniel requested promotion for Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah.  Promotion followed testing.

Later, King Nebuchadnezzar constructed a statue and required everyone to worship it, but Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah refused to worship the statue, so King Nebuchadnezzar had them thrown into the fire with the furnace heated to seven times hotter.  They experienced God and his goodness in the midst of the testing.  Then King Nebuchadnezzar promoted them to higher positions in the province of Babylon.  Promotion followed testing.

Father, thank you for revealing mysteries and wisdom to us.  May we be faithful to seek you and honor you when we are tested, for your glory.  May we see your goodness. Jesus, thank you for your example.  Holy Spirit, thank you for your presence and power.  I love you.