Reflections on 2019

My one word this year was joy.  I told our homegroup that I failed the joy test this year and need to repeat this word again next year.  Sharita said that I should not expect to perfect joy in one year and that I need to keep moving forward with a new word for 2020.  Joy will always be part of my journey.  I hope I do better at it next year.

The Enneagram studies have helped me realize that my Type One perfectionism and self-criticism are self-destructive and negatively impact my family.  On one of our long drives last week, Brandi and I were discussing follow up questions from our last personality coaching session, and she told me that she thinks I need to receive the Father's grace and know that I am absolutely loved, even though I have made mistakes.  I told her that I struggle with that in two ways: first, I don't see how God can make up for my mistakes, and second, I don't see how I am worthy of God's love.  Brandi responded with something very insightful and helpful: I have made my self-evaluation an idol.  I want to repent of my idolatry.  It is foolish for me to think that I can objectively evaluate myself.  It is imperative that I hand the gavel back to Him.  He already finished using it on Christ.

I think my love of rules and structure constrains joy. I need to learn to love freedom, mercy, and grace.  The Pharisees had a similar struggle. I think the main difference between the older son and the prodigal son was that the prodigal son chose to join his father's celebration; he yielded any of his self-judgement to his father's will.

Father, thank you for loving me unconditionally.  You have determined that I am worthy of your love.  Help me receive that in my soul.  I don't want to be the older son; I want to join your celebration.  Please forgive me for trying to cheapen your love by trying to earn it.  Help me rest in your mercy and grace.  I live in a divine comedy; you are working all things for my good.  And thank you for my precious wife who loves me so patiently.  Father, I want to spend more time hanging out with you.  I trust you, and I want to join your celebration.  And I don't want to sit dejected in the corner.  Holy Spirit, please show me how to dance.  I love you, Father, and I worship you.