I started counseling back in November because I want to be a happier person; I don't want to be stressed out all the time. Counseling has helped me realized that I choose to overcommit and be stressed out about it; this condition is not imposed upon me.
Why do I do this to myself? Well, I think it has something to do with me being a perfectionist (Enneagram Type 1 poster child). I graduated salutatorian from high school, but that summer before I started college, I was pretty sure that I was going to fail out of college and be an embarrassment to my family and hometown. I graduated college with a 4.0, but I was still almost certain that I would fail out of graduate school that next semester, and I would be the laughing stock of my hometown.
But my greatest sense of being an imposter has been as a professor. After a few years as an assistant professor, I went into my department chair's office and told him that I didn't think I was going to be able to get tenure; I felt like I was failing and I couldn't handle the pressure. He explained that I was actually doing very well. I guess I thought that I would slow down a bit after getting tenure, but I have continued to feel pressure to do more to try to keep up with the best professors in my field. I am beginning to realize that this pressure is self-inflicted.
I am speculating that, as a perfectionist, I expect myself to be perfect, and I will not accept myself unless I am perfect. And perhaps, under certain circumstances, "best" might be a surrogate for "perfect". But somehow, I speculate that deep inside, I already believe that I am a failure, and I keep trying to "measure up" to try to prove myself otherwise.
In my mind, I know that this is a lie because the Father has already paid an infinite price to redeem me and make me his son. I am already accepted, and it is not because of what I have done or what I could do but because I am his son. But somehow, it is that classic challenge to translate that awareness in my mind to confidence in my soul.
I had a good conversation yesterday with a colleague at one of the most prestigious universities in the US, and after I explained what I've been discovering about myself, he responded very bluntly that there have been thousands of geniuses who have lived before us, and there are so many professors who work inordinate amounts of time, so we have no chance of being the best. Perfection is unattainable. That truth was actually very relieving to hear. He went on to say that, at the same time, we should not dismiss the significance of our work as professors in environmental engineering, because we are some of the most privileged people in the world - inspiring students and trying to make the world a better place through our research.
So, the key is staying in step with the Father and the Spirit, just like Jesus. Sure, there were some days that Jesus worked long hours, but that wasn't EVERY day, and He had a daily pattern of spending time in restful solitude with the Father.
I went for a run last Friday. I wanted to run a certain distance, but my body was very tired. I wasn't even halfway to my goal, and I could tell that my body wasn't going to make it. So I told myself to be strong and push through! I felt the Lord tell me, "Wisdom is knowing the difference between perseverance and stubbornness." But I pressed on. I thought about Jesus taking time to know the Father's will and being confident to do it. So, I kind of asked the Father what He thought about what I was doing (both presently in the run, and figuratively in my career). He told me that I'm working too hard, and I need to rest.
But I kept running. I eventually agreed on walking, but only after I got to the next intersection. But then there was family rounding the corner, just as I was approaching, and I didn't want to look weak in front of them, so I kept running (even though I would probably never see them again in my life, and they probably didn't even notice me). So, I kind of agreed to start walking after the next intersection. But I kept running because I wanted to boost my stats on the elevation gain in my run by running up the next hill. So, I eventually started walking, but so exhausted at that point that I realized that I had pushed myself way too hard. And I have been very tired for several days since then.
I felt like my experience on the run was symbolic of my constant internal struggle with my internal critic, which has greatly impacted my education and professional career. And I know that my family has too often got the exhausted Shane because I overinvested in my work. Perhaps, since work has quantitative success metrics, whereas family does not, I try to maximize my performance by maximizing the quantitative metrics, which often ignores the impact on family Yet, now, I am beginning to realizing that high-quality relationships with my wife and children are way more valuable than me perceiving myself as an excellent worker.
I still have a great opportunity to shepherd my wife and children, and I can do that well if I spend time resting in the Father's acceptance.
Father, thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for spending the blood of Christ to redeem me. Thank you for sending the presence of the Holy Spirit. Thank you for the privilege of resting in the identity that you have given me as your son; I can not earn that title, and it is both futile and silly to attempt to. I want to know your will and walk in it, just like Jesus did. So, I commit to you (and to my wife and children) today, that moving forward, I am going to abide in your rest instead of trying to impress myself or others with my productivity. I know that this is where the abundant life is that Christ promised us. I love you, and I am excited about the next phase of my journey with you. It is going to be good.
