Letting go of some stuff

We watched a Marie Kondo episode on Netflix on Saturday, and as recommended we started implementing the principles with clothes.  We let go of more than we kept.

Brandi and I have gone through our closet several times before, but never this effectively.  Saturday evening Brandi asked what it was that made such a difference this time.  For me, it was thanking God for each garment that I put in the donate pile, and thanking Him for the season of my life in which to wear it.  It helped bring resolution and closure to those garments that had sentimental value.

One in particular was an MIT shirt that I bought at the campus bookstore when I attended the graduated student recruitment weekend in 2004.  I've probably only worn it a few times in 15 years; it represented a combination of self-pride and a nag of what might have been.

On Friday afternoon, Andres rode with me to Alamogordo for a research meeting, and in the car we continued a previous conversation about how I shame myself for unrealized potential.  As a recovering perfectionist, I condemn myself for not realizing my full potential.  And nearly every time I see someone on TV interviewed from MIT, I am jealous of that opportunity that I had. I think it is related to the notion that MIT is one of the best engineering schools.  What if I could have been more impactful with my life if I had gone to MIT?  In reality, probably not, but I do think I would have been more arrogant about my credentials.  

As we were driving, Andres pointed out the mirage on the road ahead of us and applied the metaphor.  What might have been is only a mirage; you can never grasp it.  And unrealized potential is also a mirage; an attribute of fallen humanity is that we do not live our lives perfectly, a priori.  That is why we need a savior, and we are committed to allowing Him to sanctify us.  We need mercy for falling short, and His grace makes up the difference.

So, as put the MIT shirt in the donate pile, I thanked my Father for giving me the opportunity to interview at MIT. I felt like it was also symbolic of me putting away my wondering of what might have been.

Father, thank you for blessing me at every stage.  Thank you for guiding me and providing for me.  Thank you for helping me let go of the past.  Please help me let go of the desire to be the "best".  I want to be who you have made me to be, regardless of whether or not that is "best" according to anyone's definition of "best".  Jesus, I honor you for being the best.  Thank you for your guaranteed forgiveness of my failures.  And thank you that I am living a divine comedy; you are constantly redirecting my life for my good.  Holy Spirit, help me rest in your presence and love.  Please help me live in the freedom of genuinely living according to what I understand you are inviting me to and not worrying about my errors and shortcomings or disappointing people.  In the name of Jesus, I am enough because I am in Christ, and Christ is in me, and He is enough.  His blood and righteousness cover me.  I love you.

Why isn't humility included in the fruit of the Spirit?

Recorded in Luke 14, Jesus contrasted banquet-seating choice scenarios and recommended the humble approach.  

In Phil 2, Paul encouraged us to have the humble mind of Christ.

It seems like humility is essential for intimacy with God (e.g., Moses).

So, why isn't humility listed in the fruit of the Spirit in Gal 5?

Perhaps, in this mysterious collaboration with God to become like Christ, my spiritual maturity and/or intimacy with God is rate-limited by my freewill choice to humble myself before Him.  

Over the last several years, the parable of the prodigal son has become my favorite parable of Jesus.  I think the prodigal son demonstrates humility:

I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.  I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.'  So he got up and went to his father. ...

Luke 15:18‭-‬20a NIV

And we see the father's mercy and grace in response to the son's humility.  

... But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

Luke 15:20b NIV

Indeed, this is a fundamental spiritual principle/promise explicitly stated in Proverbs, 1 Peter, and James:

But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble."

James 4:6 NIV

Father, I want to humble myself before you.  No pretense or presumption.  I want to be fully transparent and genuine, no hiding anything from you- no trying to cover up anything, and no trying to make more of myself than I am.  And at the same time, I want to be totally secure in your love, knowing that nothing I can do will make you love me more or less.  Jesus, thank you for your example of a humble life, not holding on to your deity, but fully living out the life of a servant. Thank you for submitting to the Father. Holy Spirit, thank you for the opportunity to be close with you all the time.  Thank you for your presence.  Please help me remember to choose to be humble to maintain our fellowship.  I love you, and I want to be close to you, so I want to be humble. 

Thirty years of following Jesus

Thirty years ago, yesterday, I gave my life to Jesus.

I don't think it is a coincidence that my parents came to see us this past weekend, and my mom brought the cassette tapes from the guest preacher (Toby McSwain) who preached a week of "revival" sermons the week that I put my faith in Christ.   It has been nostalgic and spiritually stirring to dust off an old cassette tape player that my Grandmother gave me and start listening to those sermons that the Holy Spirit spoke so powerfully through thirty years ago.

I am thankful for how I have grown in the Lord these past three decades, and I hope that I will accelerate my growth in Him.

Father, thank you for giving me faith to live in Christ.  Please grow me exponentially with time.  Please transform me and use me more today than ever before.  Jesus, I want to be known as your disciple.  Holy Spirit, produce more of your fruit in my life, and lead me to use the gifts that you've given me to be more impactful.  I love you.

Forgiving myself for not being perfect

I work too much.  I am still working on figuring out what motivates me to work so hard.  

I got really discouraged on Friday when I was the only coach at practice, again. I started the season assuming that it was going to be a collaboration, but I need to let that go.  But it sent me into a spiral because I am tired of working so hard for other people's approval and coming up emory handed.  I need to shift my attitude to do things because my Heavenly Father wants me to join Him in doing them.

One of my fiercest battles is that I consistently feel like a failure because so few of my PhD students have published journal papers.  The reality is that my thesis and dissertation advisers both operated with a framework of encouraging publishing but not requiring publication during the degree, so I did not publish my own work until after I graduated, and I still feel like a failure for that because I compare myself to other professors who had a great start on their H-index before they graduated and who prioritize publications from their students.  I have not developed an effective system for training students to write papers and submit them earlier in their progress towards their degree.  And I carry shame for my students not publishing. 

My mom and Brandi each pulled me aside Saturday afternoon.  My mom said that I need to let grace cover the deficit that I feel, but I couldn't see how grace could increase my H-index. Brandi pulled me aside a little later and asked me what was going on.  I told her that I was still wrestling with what we had talked about Thursday morning.  Lovingly but frankly, she told me that I had a choice to continue listening to lies or to start believing who my Father says I am in Christ.  She told me to take a shower and wash off the lies down the drain and come downstairs in a better mood.  To be honest, I sort of didn't want to; I sort of wanted to stay discouraged.  It takes effort to change your attitude, and I just wanted to be lazy. I wanted to blame it on other people, but she told me that my Heavenly Father has given me everything I need to do what is right, so it is my choice. I couldn't argue with her.  She said that we want to live the life that we want our kids to follow, so we need to set an example for them.  She said that I can humble myself and ask Holy Spirit for help to change my attitude or I could stay proud and down.  So, I listened to her.  I am so thankful that she helped me change my attitude.  And we had a good time watching Texas Tech win their NCAA Final Four game Saturday night. 

At the end of the gathering yesterday, I asked Leigh to pray for me.  She said that I need to see myself through God's perspective.

This morning, I read about Martha being frustrated because she was doing all the work.  I need to be more like Mary and focus on what is eternally valuable.  I'm not saying that journal publications are inconsequential, only that I shouldn't make them my sole metric of success.  I need to focus on loving, worshipping, and obeying the Lord, and He will direct my path.

Father, thank you for giving me everything I need to know you and obey you.  Jesus, thank you for your example.  Holy Spirit, thank you for your presence.  I love you.  Open my eyes to see me from your perspective.

Deliverance is sometimes messy

Those who had seen it told the people how the demon-possessed man had been cured. Then all the people of the region of the Gerasenes asked Jesus to leave them, because they were overcome with fear. So he got into the boat and left.

Luke 8:36‭-‬37 NIV

Some people care more about tidiness than people being delivered from terrible bondage.  But following Jesus's example, for the love of that person who is in bondage, we must be committed to deliverance ministry.

Father, thank you for your desire for everyone to be citizens of the Kingdom of Light.  Jesus, thank you for being the King who rules in love and peace.  Holy Spirit, thank you for using me to deliver people from darkness, terror, pain, and bondage into light, peace, hope, and love.  Please use me today. I love you, and I ask in the name of Jesus.