Forgiving myself for not being perfect

I work too much.  I am still working on figuring out what motivates me to work so hard.  

I got really discouraged on Friday when I was the only coach at practice, again. I started the season assuming that it was going to be a collaboration, but I need to let that go.  But it sent me into a spiral because I am tired of working so hard for other people's approval and coming up emory handed.  I need to shift my attitude to do things because my Heavenly Father wants me to join Him in doing them.

One of my fiercest battles is that I consistently feel like a failure because so few of my PhD students have published journal papers.  The reality is that my thesis and dissertation advisers both operated with a framework of encouraging publishing but not requiring publication during the degree, so I did not publish my own work until after I graduated, and I still feel like a failure for that because I compare myself to other professors who had a great start on their H-index before they graduated and who prioritize publications from their students.  I have not developed an effective system for training students to write papers and submit them earlier in their progress towards their degree.  And I carry shame for my students not publishing. 

My mom and Brandi each pulled me aside Saturday afternoon.  My mom said that I need to let grace cover the deficit that I feel, but I couldn't see how grace could increase my H-index. Brandi pulled me aside a little later and asked me what was going on.  I told her that I was still wrestling with what we had talked about Thursday morning.  Lovingly but frankly, she told me that I had a choice to continue listening to lies or to start believing who my Father says I am in Christ.  She told me to take a shower and wash off the lies down the drain and come downstairs in a better mood.  To be honest, I sort of didn't want to; I sort of wanted to stay discouraged.  It takes effort to change your attitude, and I just wanted to be lazy. I wanted to blame it on other people, but she told me that my Heavenly Father has given me everything I need to do what is right, so it is my choice. I couldn't argue with her.  She said that we want to live the life that we want our kids to follow, so we need to set an example for them.  She said that I can humble myself and ask Holy Spirit for help to change my attitude or I could stay proud and down.  So, I listened to her.  I am so thankful that she helped me change my attitude.  And we had a good time watching Texas Tech win their NCAA Final Four game Saturday night. 

At the end of the gathering yesterday, I asked Leigh to pray for me.  She said that I need to see myself through God's perspective.

This morning, I read about Martha being frustrated because she was doing all the work.  I need to be more like Mary and focus on what is eternally valuable.  I'm not saying that journal publications are inconsequential, only that I shouldn't make them my sole metric of success.  I need to focus on loving, worshipping, and obeying the Lord, and He will direct my path.

Father, thank you for giving me everything I need to know you and obey you.  Jesus, thank you for your example.  Holy Spirit, thank you for your presence.  I love you.  Open my eyes to see me from your perspective.