We watched a Marie Kondo episode on Netflix on Saturday, and as recommended we started implementing the principles with clothes. We let go of more than we kept.
Brandi and I have gone through our closet several times before, but never this effectively. Saturday evening Brandi asked what it was that made such a difference this time. For me, it was thanking God for each garment that I put in the donate pile, and thanking Him for the season of my life in which to wear it. It helped bring resolution and closure to those garments that had sentimental value.
One in particular was an MIT shirt that I bought at the campus bookstore when I attended the graduated student recruitment weekend in 2004. I've probably only worn it a few times in 15 years; it represented a combination of self-pride and a nag of what might have been.
On Friday afternoon, Andres rode with me to Alamogordo for a research meeting, and in the car we continued a previous conversation about how I shame myself for unrealized potential. As a recovering perfectionist, I condemn myself for not realizing my full potential. And nearly every time I see someone on TV interviewed from MIT, I am jealous of that opportunity that I had. I think it is related to the notion that MIT is one of the best engineering schools. What if I could have been more impactful with my life if I had gone to MIT? In reality, probably not, but I do think I would have been more arrogant about my credentials.
As we were driving, Andres pointed out the mirage on the road ahead of us and applied the metaphor. What might have been is only a mirage; you can never grasp it. And unrealized potential is also a mirage; an attribute of fallen humanity is that we do not live our lives perfectly, a priori. That is why we need a savior, and we are committed to allowing Him to sanctify us. We need mercy for falling short, and His grace makes up the difference.
So, as put the MIT shirt in the donate pile, I thanked my Father for giving me the opportunity to interview at MIT. I felt like it was also symbolic of me putting away my wondering of what might have been.
Father, thank you for blessing me at every stage. Thank you for guiding me and providing for me. Thank you for helping me let go of the past. Please help me let go of the desire to be the "best". I want to be who you have made me to be, regardless of whether or not that is "best" according to anyone's definition of "best". Jesus, I honor you for being the best. Thank you for your guaranteed forgiveness of my failures. And thank you that I am living a divine comedy; you are constantly redirecting my life for my good. Holy Spirit, help me rest in your presence and love. Please help me live in the freedom of genuinely living according to what I understand you are inviting me to and not worrying about my errors and shortcomings or disappointing people. In the name of Jesus, I am enough because I am in Christ, and Christ is in me, and He is enough. His blood and righteousness cover me. I love you.
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