I continue to try to figure out why I push myself so hard. Too hard. I'm hurting myself and my family.
I think it is related to both shame and fear. At least some part of it is that I care too much about what other people think, and I want people to approve of me. I don't want to risk being ashamed of myself.
I also have an irrational fear of not having enough money to meet my family's basic needs.
Jesus said, "Do not worry." About tomorrow. About having enough food, clothes, shelter, ... Somehow, I still have an orphan mindset, that I have to provide for myself.
God gave the Israelites manna in the desert. They only needed to gather enough for today. Gathering extra for tomorrow is a wasted effort, because it will spoil. I want to trust Him that I only have to work enough for today.
On August 8, we had a small men's retreat, and we began by meditating on Psalm 23. I was impressed that it is good for me to depend on God. He is my Father, and I am his child. He is the shepherd, and I am a sheep.
I've been journalling in a handwritten journal, trying to learn to hear and listen to God's voice. Last Sunday, the pastor gave us a minute to listen to God's voice at the end of the service. I asked him about my desire to help people around the world with clean/safe water.
He said I don't need to have it all figured out. He reminded me of the parable about the farmer who goes to sleep, and the crop grows while he is resting, without him even understanding how.
Mark 4:26-29 NIV — He also said, “This is what the kingdom of God is like. A man scatters seed on the ground. Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how. All by itself the soil produces grain—first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head. As soon as the grain is ripe, he puts the sickle to it, because the harvest has come.”
After the season of depending on daily manna, the promised land was already rich and abundant, flowing with milk and honey before they took over. God gave them the abundance of the enemy. And God promised them that if they were good steward and honored the weekly Sabbath, the Sabbath year, and the year of Jubilee, they would continue to overflow with abundance.
Father, I want to trust you. I want to give you my shame and fear and receive your approval and unconditional love. Please forgive me for my pride and arrogance, thinking that I can take care of myself. I need you. You are my saviour. I depend on you. Thank you for loving me and caring for me. I love you.
