I've been in a slump for several weeks, and I think it is because I submitted my application for tenure and promotion from assistant professor to associate professor.
When I was in junior high, my dad told me that he didn't have enough money to pay for me to go to college, so I needed to work hard and get good grades so that I could get scholarships. My parents had taught me how to work hard on the farm, so that conversation significantly influenced me. I did work hard in junior high and high school to get good grades, and the pattern that I set for myself continued into college.
At each academic phase, I had a clear goal. In high school, I was working hard to be valedictorian. (I came up short by three one-hundredths of a point.) In college, I worked hard for the "four-point-O", which cost me a lot of late nights of studying. In grad school, I worked hard for the thesis, and then again for the dissertation.
And I think my task-oriented, goal-driven personality and work ethic metastasized into workaholism in the context of tenure-track assistant professor expectations. Looking back now, I am ashamed of how many days I would work 10-12 hours at work, get home, eat dinner, and then ignore my family while I worked on my laptop until late in the night. This was the effect of my unbalanced "do your best" effort in the absence of clear expectations.
But now that this work is behind me, and I submitted my dossier for evaluation, now what? I realize that I made a significant mistake. Humanly speaking, I was working for tenure, and not working for me. Spiritually speaking, my motivation was to please someone else (i.e., all of the people who would review my tenure application), instead of working for the Lord.
Col 3:23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, 24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
The reason in verse 24 is as important as the directive in verse 23. I know this in my mind, but actualizing it into behavior is actually believing it. I don't think I have done that.
Consequently, I think I have been going through withdrawals the past several weeks. I have been unconciously frustrated and depressed. But I really didn't know why until Friday morning, when I started talking out some of what I was thinking/feeling with RF. (He really has been a great friend and counselor to me; reminds me of the verses in Proverbs.) That conversation helped me realize that I was frustrated/depressed because I think that much of what I have done is wasted effort or worthless because I did it with the wrong motivation. I am also questioning my impact and significance, sort of like a mini-mid-life-crisis. (I think I should buy a Corvette.) Maybe part of it is me feeling like I was investing my God-given in efforts tangential and distracting from what God wants me to focus on. I have spent so much of my time operating in an opportunistic way of bringing in whatever extramural research funding I could that I wasn't operating in a strategic way according to how God is leading me. To be honest, I don't think I have spent much time seeking God to lead me in my work. Part of my frustration could also be an artifact of this pervasive Western perspective of God having a specific plan for our lives, and we feel like we are missing out if we miss God's will for our lives.
All of this frustration led me to even question whether or not I should actually be a professor. I see all of my mistakes and weaknesses in research and teaching. What am I doing? Why am I continuing to pretend to be a researcher and teacher? Why am I continuing to work so hard and still miss the mark?
I talked out some of these thoughts with Brandi in the car on the way to meet with our church on Sunday morning. Then we got to discuss them over lunch with Steve and Tamara. These conversations were helpful for me to vocalize and externalize what I was thinking/feeling. Brandi and Steve reassured me that God has indeed given me a gift of teaching and not to doubt that.
On Monday, I ate lunch with Isaac. He really encouraged me about being a good teacher and professor. One of the things that he said that really struck me was that me helping one of my students is worth more than all of my academic accolades. That really helped me to think about myself and my work from a Kingdom perspective. It is so easy to slip into a worldly view of keeping track of my accomplishments (research funding, journal papers, etc.), but the reality is that each student is made in the image of God and I can treat them with respect, dignity, and love. My fundamental mission is to love people and make disciples of all nations. I hope I can keep that perspective and live that out.
Heavenly Father, thank you for your grace and patience. I trust that you can work all things for the good of those who love you and are called according to your purpose. Lord Jesus, I want to work for you and not for men or myself. Holy Spirit, please help me listen to your directions for me. I believe that you are trying to guide me, and I want to keep in step with you in attitude, character, and action. I love you, and I pray in the name of Jesus.
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