Reflections on 2019

My one word this year was joy.  I told our homegroup that I failed the joy test this year and need to repeat this word again next year.  Sharita said that I should not expect to perfect joy in one year and that I need to keep moving forward with a new word for 2020.  Joy will always be part of my journey.  I hope I do better at it next year.

The Enneagram studies have helped me realize that my Type One perfectionism and self-criticism are self-destructive and negatively impact my family.  On one of our long drives last week, Brandi and I were discussing follow up questions from our last personality coaching session, and she told me that she thinks I need to receive the Father's grace and know that I am absolutely loved, even though I have made mistakes.  I told her that I struggle with that in two ways: first, I don't see how God can make up for my mistakes, and second, I don't see how I am worthy of God's love.  Brandi responded with something very insightful and helpful: I have made my self-evaluation an idol.  I want to repent of my idolatry.  It is foolish for me to think that I can objectively evaluate myself.  It is imperative that I hand the gavel back to Him.  He already finished using it on Christ.

I think my love of rules and structure constrains joy. I need to learn to love freedom, mercy, and grace.  The Pharisees had a similar struggle. I think the main difference between the older son and the prodigal son was that the prodigal son chose to join his father's celebration; he yielded any of his self-judgement to his father's will.

Father, thank you for loving me unconditionally.  You have determined that I am worthy of your love.  Help me receive that in my soul.  I don't want to be the older son; I want to join your celebration.  Please forgive me for trying to cheapen your love by trying to earn it.  Help me rest in your mercy and grace.  I live in a divine comedy; you are working all things for my good.  And thank you for my precious wife who loves me so patiently.  Father, I want to spend more time hanging out with you.  I trust you, and I want to join your celebration.  And I don't want to sit dejected in the corner.  Holy Spirit, please show me how to dance.  I love you, Father, and I worship you.

Transparency

The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, ...

Hebrews 1:3 NIV

Continuing with the transparency analogy from the previous post, I want God to refine me to have a pure crystalline lattice structure that is completely aligned with Him like a perfect fiber-optic material so that His spiritual photons are losslessly transmitted through me.  I don't want to have any amorphous (random, crooked) structure within me.  I want to have a perfect index of refraction (i.e., unity).  

Father, thank you for refining me to be like Jesus, perfectly revealing your goodness and love.  Holy Spirit, please remove anything within me that obstructs or disperses your light.  Please align my heart, will, mind, and emotions to allow your light to shine perfectly through me with no distortion or loss of intensity.  At the same time, increase my absorbance of your light, and make me re-radiate your light such that it is in perfect phase alignment with you.  I love you, and I ask in the name of Jesus.

Walking in the light

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.  If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.

1 John 1:5‭-‬10 NIV

I am a recovering perfectionist.  I still often expect myself to be perfect.  Perhaps "walking in the light" doesn't mean "being perfect" the way I instinctively feel an obligation to never make a mistake.  While I strive to be perfect as my Father is perfect (Matt. 5:48), perhaps the similar challenge to be holy because He is holy (1 Peter 1:16) is congruent with "walking in the light", since "holy" means to be "set apart".  Obviously, in the passage in 1 John, we are not expected to have never sinned, but rather to live in a humble way of confessing sin and turning away from it.  

I think there is a qualitative difference between walking in darkness and walking in the light (which includes a minimum set of faith and works), but perhaps there are gradients of light.  

How do I step closer into the light?  I want to walk in a realm where the light is even brighter.

Father, you are light, and there is no darkness in you.  Jesus, you are the light of the world.  Holy Spirit, lead me closer to the light. I want to be spiritually transparent, not translucent.  I love you.

What am I longing for?

Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

Hebrews 11:16 NIV

It seems to me that most of what I long for is in this world.  I need to spend more time thinking about being with the Lord and His promises for me so that I will long for what He wants.

Father, please help me see things from your perspective.  Jesus, thank you for your example of living according to the promises of God.  Holy Spirit, thank you for being with me and giving me power to live by faith. Change my desires so that I long for what you long for.  I love you.

The blood of Jesus propels us into the presence of God

Hebrews 10:19‭-‬22 NIV

Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.

Since we have confidence, let us draw near to God.  If Jesus has made a way to the presence of God, why in the world would we not urgently go that way?!

Perhaps we might be distracted by visible and tangible things (1 John 2:16), but those things could never satisfy us.  We are designed by God to be in holy fellowship with Him (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit), maybe something like three-phase electrical power or like subatomic particles (protons, neutrons, and electrons, with the nucleus analogous to Father and Son, and the electron cloud analogous to Holy Spirit).  

Hebrews 10:23‭-‬25 NIV

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

So, hold on, and spur one another on.  Like spurs on cowboy boots.  Sharp prodding in the right direction.

Father, thank you for sending Jesus to make a way for me to fellowship with you.  Jesus, thank you for offering your blood as the sacrifice and your body as the curtain to enter into the Most Holy Place.  Holy Spirit, thank you for spreading out from the Most Holy Place to dwell also in my spirit.  I give you authority over my soul and body, as well.  Make yourself at home.  Remove anything that you don't like, and add on and decorate as you please.  I am yours.  I love you.

A long way to go

Hebrews 9:12‭-‬15 NIV

He did not enter by means of the blood of goats and calves; but he entered the Most Holy Place once for all by his own blood, thus obtaining eternal redemption. The blood of goats and bulls and the ashes of a heifer sprinkled on those who are ceremonially unclean sanctify them so that they are outwardly clean. How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God!  For this reason Christ is the mediator of a new covenant, that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance—now that he has died as a ransom to set them free from the sins committed under the first covenant.

I don't think you can fully parse out salvation into three separate parts (justification, sanctification, and glorification), maybe like you can't separate the Father, Son, and Spirit, but it seems to me that justification is the kickoff moment of a life of sanctification.

I feel like I still have such a long way to go to having my conscience cleansed and being free from fleshly/worldly impulses.  I am often easily frustrated by trivial things.  I selfishly want my way about things, and I am disappointed or angry when I don't get my way.  I care way too much about what other people think of me.  I need Jesus to cleanse my soul so that I can serve God.

Father, I feel like I have such a long way to go to be like you.  Like the difference between zero and infinity on a logarithmic scale. Jesus, how do I open myself to a deeper measure of your cleansing work.  Can you get your scrub brush a bit further into my soul?  Or perhaps it is more of an effervescent process like hydrogen peroxide?  Actually, you are focused on transformation, not just cleansing the surface.  You want to transform the essence of my soul from earthly to heavenly.  Holy Spirit, thank you for your presence.  May my spirit, soul, and body be fully yours and of you.  I love you.

Self-control and gentleness

Titus 2:2‭, ‬6 NIV

Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance.  ... Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled.

Titus 3:1‭-‬2 NIV

Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone.

I want to follow Jesus's example of overcoming evil by allowing the Spirit to govern my behavior, and two of the fruit of the Spirit listed in Gal 5, self-control and gentleness, are highlighted by Paul as key attributes of transformation.

Father, thank you for the opportunity to become holy like you.  I want to be like you.  Jesus, thank you for your example.  Holy Spirit, thank you for your presence and fruit, specifically self-control and gentleness.  I love you.