Anxiety

I have had several conversations with Brothers this past week that have helped me realize that I am still struggling with anxiety.  Most, if not all, of my anxiety is work-related.  But I don't want to be anxious any more.

After being awarded tenure, I guess I assumed that my anxiousness about work would dissipate, but I realized this weekend that it hasn't.  I realized that most mornings, within a few minutes of waking up I have that intense nervousness in my gut.  I guess it has become normal for me over the past several years, so that I haven't noticed it.  But now I am aware of it.

I did some introspection, and I think my anxiousness is an artifact of something deeper.  I think it stems from either pride of wanting to be recognized or fear of being noticed as less-than.  And my anxiety symptoms are amplified around deliverables, so this week of final exams, research proposals, journal papers, and commencement is pretty intense.  But even in an intense week, I want to work diligently for the Lord and not for men.  I want to be motivated to do a good job because of my love for the Father and the joy of joining Him in his work.

As I was discussing this with Brandi yesterday morning, she told me that when she has struggled with anxiety, she realized that her anxiety stemmed from not believing that God was good and that He was going to take care of her.

Heavenly Father, thank you for your peace.  Please deliver me from anxiety, pride, and fear.  Jesus, I want to live in the abundance of your life.  Holy Spirit, please show me what is my wrong belief that I need to repent from and embrace the truth.  I want healing from this.  I love you, and I ask in the name of Jesus.