Reflections on 2019

My one word this year was joy.  I told our homegroup that I failed the joy test this year and need to repeat this word again next year.  Sharita said that I should not expect to perfect joy in one year and that I need to keep moving forward with a new word for 2020.  Joy will always be part of my journey.  I hope I do better at it next year.

The Enneagram studies have helped me realize that my Type One perfectionism and self-criticism are self-destructive and negatively impact my family.  On one of our long drives last week, Brandi and I were discussing follow up questions from our last personality coaching session, and she told me that she thinks I need to receive the Father's grace and know that I am absolutely loved, even though I have made mistakes.  I told her that I struggle with that in two ways: first, I don't see how God can make up for my mistakes, and second, I don't see how I am worthy of God's love.  Brandi responded with something very insightful and helpful: I have made my self-evaluation an idol.  I want to repent of my idolatry.  It is foolish for me to think that I can objectively evaluate myself.  It is imperative that I hand the gavel back to Him.  He already finished using it on Christ.

I think my love of rules and structure constrains joy. I need to learn to love freedom, mercy, and grace.  The Pharisees had a similar struggle. I think the main difference between the older son and the prodigal son was that the prodigal son chose to join his father's celebration; he yielded any of his self-judgement to his father's will.

Father, thank you for loving me unconditionally.  You have determined that I am worthy of your love.  Help me receive that in my soul.  I don't want to be the older son; I want to join your celebration.  Please forgive me for trying to cheapen your love by trying to earn it.  Help me rest in your mercy and grace.  I live in a divine comedy; you are working all things for my good.  And thank you for my precious wife who loves me so patiently.  Father, I want to spend more time hanging out with you.  I trust you, and I want to join your celebration.  And I don't want to sit dejected in the corner.  Holy Spirit, please show me how to dance.  I love you, Father, and I worship you.

Transparency

The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, ...

Hebrews 1:3 NIV

Continuing with the transparency analogy from the previous post, I want God to refine me to have a pure crystalline lattice structure that is completely aligned with Him like a perfect fiber-optic material so that His spiritual photons are losslessly transmitted through me.  I don't want to have any amorphous (random, crooked) structure within me.  I want to have a perfect index of refraction (i.e., unity).  

Father, thank you for refining me to be like Jesus, perfectly revealing your goodness and love.  Holy Spirit, please remove anything within me that obstructs or disperses your light.  Please align my heart, will, mind, and emotions to allow your light to shine perfectly through me with no distortion or loss of intensity.  At the same time, increase my absorbance of your light, and make me re-radiate your light such that it is in perfect phase alignment with you.  I love you, and I ask in the name of Jesus.

Walking in the light

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.  If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.

1 John 1:5‭-‬10 NIV

I am a recovering perfectionist.  I still often expect myself to be perfect.  Perhaps "walking in the light" doesn't mean "being perfect" the way I instinctively feel an obligation to never make a mistake.  While I strive to be perfect as my Father is perfect (Matt. 5:48), perhaps the similar challenge to be holy because He is holy (1 Peter 1:16) is congruent with "walking in the light", since "holy" means to be "set apart".  Obviously, in the passage in 1 John, we are not expected to have never sinned, but rather to live in a humble way of confessing sin and turning away from it.  

I think there is a qualitative difference between walking in darkness and walking in the light (which includes a minimum set of faith and works), but perhaps there are gradients of light.  

How do I step closer into the light?  I want to walk in a realm where the light is even brighter.

Father, you are light, and there is no darkness in you.  Jesus, you are the light of the world.  Holy Spirit, lead me closer to the light. I want to be spiritually transparent, not translucent.  I love you.

What am I longing for?

Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

Hebrews 11:16 NIV

It seems to me that most of what I long for is in this world.  I need to spend more time thinking about being with the Lord and His promises for me so that I will long for what He wants.

Father, please help me see things from your perspective.  Jesus, thank you for your example of living according to the promises of God.  Holy Spirit, thank you for being with me and giving me power to live by faith. Change my desires so that I long for what you long for.  I love you.

The blood of Jesus propels us into the presence of God

Hebrews 10:19‭-‬22 NIV

Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.

Since we have confidence, let us draw near to God.  If Jesus has made a way to the presence of God, why in the world would we not urgently go that way?!

Perhaps we might be distracted by visible and tangible things (1 John 2:16), but those things could never satisfy us.  We are designed by God to be in holy fellowship with Him (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit), maybe something like three-phase electrical power or like subatomic particles (protons, neutrons, and electrons, with the nucleus analogous to Father and Son, and the electron cloud analogous to Holy Spirit).  

Hebrews 10:23‭-‬25 NIV

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

So, hold on, and spur one another on.  Like spurs on cowboy boots.  Sharp prodding in the right direction.

Father, thank you for sending Jesus to make a way for me to fellowship with you.  Jesus, thank you for offering your blood as the sacrifice and your body as the curtain to enter into the Most Holy Place.  Holy Spirit, thank you for spreading out from the Most Holy Place to dwell also in my spirit.  I give you authority over my soul and body, as well.  Make yourself at home.  Remove anything that you don't like, and add on and decorate as you please.  I am yours.  I love you.

A long way to go

Hebrews 9:12‭-‬15 NIV

He did not enter by means of the blood of goats and calves; but he entered the Most Holy Place once for all by his own blood, thus obtaining eternal redemption. The blood of goats and bulls and the ashes of a heifer sprinkled on those who are ceremonially unclean sanctify them so that they are outwardly clean. How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God!  For this reason Christ is the mediator of a new covenant, that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance—now that he has died as a ransom to set them free from the sins committed under the first covenant.

I don't think you can fully parse out salvation into three separate parts (justification, sanctification, and glorification), maybe like you can't separate the Father, Son, and Spirit, but it seems to me that justification is the kickoff moment of a life of sanctification.

I feel like I still have such a long way to go to having my conscience cleansed and being free from fleshly/worldly impulses.  I am often easily frustrated by trivial things.  I selfishly want my way about things, and I am disappointed or angry when I don't get my way.  I care way too much about what other people think of me.  I need Jesus to cleanse my soul so that I can serve God.

Father, I feel like I have such a long way to go to be like you.  Like the difference between zero and infinity on a logarithmic scale. Jesus, how do I open myself to a deeper measure of your cleansing work.  Can you get your scrub brush a bit further into my soul?  Or perhaps it is more of an effervescent process like hydrogen peroxide?  Actually, you are focused on transformation, not just cleansing the surface.  You want to transform the essence of my soul from earthly to heavenly.  Holy Spirit, thank you for your presence.  May my spirit, soul, and body be fully yours and of you.  I love you.

Self-control and gentleness

Titus 2:2‭, ‬6 NIV

Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance.  ... Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled.

Titus 3:1‭-‬2 NIV

Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone.

I want to follow Jesus's example of overcoming evil by allowing the Spirit to govern my behavior, and two of the fruit of the Spirit listed in Gal 5, self-control and gentleness, are highlighted by Paul as key attributes of transformation.

Father, thank you for the opportunity to become holy like you.  I want to be like you.  Jesus, thank you for your example.  Holy Spirit, thank you for your presence and fruit, specifically self-control and gentleness.  I love you.

disciplining children

1 Tim 3

1 Here is a trustworthy saying: Whoever aspires to be an overseer desires a noble task. 2 Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, 3 not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. 4 He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect. 5 (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?)

I used to think that verses 4-5 meant that you need to make sure that your kids stay in line.  I used to think that necessitated rigorous discipline and frequent reminders of consequences, but recently I have learned that the way of Babylon is to threaten pain, and the way of Jesus is to reveal sonship/daughterhood to the Father through the Spirit.  That is not to say that there aren't situations that warrant a reprimand or spanking, but that there is a great deal of work that must be invested for a reprimand or spanking to be effective.  

If I express anger (e.g., raise my voice) at a child for not doing what I want them to, then I've lost perspective on the fundamental reality that the child is not actually mine and that I am a steward to shepherd them to know and love the Father.  If I rush to conclude that the child needs a reprimand or spanking before I have invested the substantial time and effort to explain the truth in love, then I am not temperate, self-controlled, respectable, or gentle, and I am letting the violent way of Babylon sabotage my efforts to lead my child to know and love the Father.  If my children "obey" me out of fear of discipline, then I've actually trained them in the way of Babylon and only accomplished behavior modification, not genuine loving obedience to the Father.

My desire is that my children follow me to the Father because they know that I love them and that the Father loves them.  Discipline is certainly part of love, and I want to exercise discipline in a strategic and measured way, in step with the Spirit, such that my own children respect me for the way that I discipline them.  My methods of discipline should be self-consistent with the intended outcome, which is for them to know and love the Father.

Father, thank you for your sacrificial love for me, and thank you for your great patience with me.  Jesus, thank you for showing us what it looks like to live a life of humble obedience to the Father, and leadership without adopting the way of Babylon.  Holy Spirit, thank you for giving me all of the power that I need to obey the Father and keep in step with you.  Thank you for making me a better parent (i.e., steward, not owner) of my children.  I love you.

The sanctity of work

In 1st and 2nd Thessalonians, Paul explains that people should not be idle.  Perhaps some were assuming that Jesus was going to return any day, so there was no point in working.  Alternatively, people had "jobs" as personal attendants for wealthy people, but down of their work might have been ethically questionable.

Especially in 2 Thess 3, I think Paul is basically saying that even if you knew that Jesus was coming back tomorrow, you should still go to work today because He wants you to be on mission with Him through your work.

I want to reveal the Kingdom of Heaven through my daily work.

Father, thank you for giving me gifts and talents that I can use in my work.  Jesus, thank you for being a carpenter.  Holy Spirit, thank you for your presence and power.  Sanctify my work.  I love you.

Power and Joy

For we know, brothers and sisters loved by God, that he has chosen you, because our gospel came to you not simply with words but also with power, with the Holy Spirit and deep conviction. You know how we lived among you for your sake. You became imitators of us and of the Lord, for you welcomed the message in the midst of severe suffering with the joy given by the Holy Spirit.

1 Thessalonians 1:4‭-‬6 NIV

The announcement of good news (Gospel) came not only with words, but also with power because of the presence of the Holy Spirit.  I feel like such an infant with respect to seeing Him demonstrate His power; I wish I was more mature in partnering with Him to tangibly demonstrate the love of God.

The Holy Spirit gives joy.  I feel like such an infant with respect to allowing Him to demonstrate joy in my life.  I am too distracted by lack of sleep, allergies, and work stress.  I need to focus on His goodness, not my discomfort.

Father, thank you for your patience.  Thank you for your love.  Thank you for sending Jesus to rescue us and adopt us.  Holy Spirit, thank you for your presence, power, and joy.  Please transform me to be more useful to you.  I love you.

Shining light

Last week, I spent several days with research collaborators from Rice, Yale, and Arizona State.  I think I had more spiritual conversations with faculty and students than ever before.  

Father, thank you for these friendships and collaborations, and thank you for the opportunity to shine light in this group.  Holy Spirit, help me be prepared to share the hope and joy that is within me. Jesus, thank you for holding the universe together.  I love you.

Amazing grace

Sharita gave us a journal and a BREATHE card:

• Be Still
• Remember
• Examine
• Apply
• Trust
• Hope
• Expect Experience

My hotel room in Phoenix had a guitar in it, so I thought I would "Be Still" by plucking Amazing Grace.  But the guitar needed to be tuned.  I thought about the metaphor of Being Still as allowing us to be tuned by the Lord.

I sang two stanzas of Amazing grace as I plucked the strings, switching octaves at the high and low points of the song because my voice had not warmed up.  I sang the last stanza acapella even though I was way off key because I really believed that the Lord's pleasure was with my heart, not the technical performance of my voice.

Father, thank you for loving me.  Thank you for freedom to be who I am because Jesus has already measured up.  Your grace is amazing.  I love you.

Hearing the Spirit

When I was in the shower yesterday morning, I thought I heard the Spirit give me an impression that something unexpected was going to come up, and I needed to make time for it.

As I arrived at my office, I got a text message from a former student saying that he had a family situation and wanted my advice.  I called him straight away and spent an hour listening, comforting, encouraging, and praying for him.

My heart is heavy for my former student, but I was thankful that I actually heard the Spirit and obeyed.

Father, thank you for your great love for us.  Jesus, thank you for your example of a life lived in step with the Spirit.  Holy Spirit, thank you for speaking to me.  Open my ears and eyes to hear you and see you even more.  I love you.

For the praise of His glory

Ephesians 1:11‭-‬14 NIV

In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession—to the praise of his glory.

Twice Paul explains that our purpose is to praise His glory.  I was meditating on this yesterday as I drove to work.  I want to fulfill my purpose; I want to praise His glory.  And I don't think that is accomplished by simply saying, "God I praise your glory."  I assume that it is fulfilled both implicitly and explicitly.

Earlier this week, I was on the phone with another professor, and I asked him if he had any other questions that I could help with.  He jokingly asked, "What is the meaning of life?". I jokingly answered, "42".  And then I realized the opportunity to share something sincere, so I said something like, "No, I think you have God-given gifts, skills, and talents that you can use to help people."   I don't think my answer was entirely inaccurate, but I walked away from that conversation feeling like I shorted the answer.  It was incomplete.  After reading Ephesians 1 yesterday, I wish I had told him that he was made for a wonderful and personal relationship with his good spiritual Father through Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit.  Hopefully, the Holy Spirit will give me another chance.

Father, you are good, and your way of redeeming us is amazing.  I want to praise your glory.  Please show me how to do that better.  I love you.

Increase from the Father

Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness. You will be enriched in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God.

2 Corinthians 9:10‭-‬11 NIV

I was impressed with the verbs "increase", "enlarge", and "enrich".  Our Father is abundant towards us because His heart overflows towards us.  And He is delighted when we live a lifestyle of overflow, like Him.

I was sharing this with Brandi last night, and she reminded me that it is like Jesus's parable of the talents.  Exactly.  If I invest His resources in enterprises that profit the Kingdom of God, then He will supply more resources.

Father, thank you for your heart of favor towards us.  Thank you for the opportunity to cascade your blessings and favor into others. Jesus, thank you for your example. Holy Spirit, thank you for your presence.  I want to be a superconductor.  I love you.

Hearing God

In our Sunday gathering, Peter kicked off our new series on Hearing God.  At the end of his message, he gave some time for folks to be quiet and listen.  I was with Katelyn in the preschool group, but Brandi was able to listen.  First, they were instructed to listen for themselves, and Brandi heard that she is worthy of His love.  Then they were instructed to listen for someone else, so Brandi asked God to share something for me.  She heard, "I am so proud of that kid!".  (Brandi was really touched as she shared this with me later.) He said that He is proud of my childlike faith and believing and trying for more.

Father, thank you for speaking to Brandi.  Thank you for encouraging us.  We want to hear you more often and in greater detail.  I love you.

Following Christ

Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.

1 Corinthians 11:1 NIV

I want to be able to invite people to follow me as I follow Christ.  So, I need to learn to walk in the anointing of the Holy Spirit to allow Him to use me to heal the sick, raise the dead, cast out demons, and cleanse the lepers because those actions were integral to Christ's example.

Father, thank you for the hope of growing to look like Jesus.  Jesus, thank you for your example.  Holy Spirit, thank you for your presence and power.  I love you, and I want to be a faithful and mature disciple of Jesus.

Striving versus being

For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power.

1 Corinthians 4:20 NIV

When Peter and Rebekah came over about a week an a half ago, near the end of the conversation, they said that it was not true that I am an illegitimate disciple until the Holy Spirit demonstrates miracles through me.  I am a growing disciple.

When the Brownwood team prayed over me, one of them said that I was "striving" (negative connotation) to see miracles and that God was going to make them happen "easily".  I interpreted that as meaning that since miracles are from the Lord, I only need to partner with the compassionate love of God and be obedient, and Holy Spirit will do the miracles. 

I want regular testimonies of miraculous words from the Lord, healings, and deliverance because that is how Jesus lived.  I am a disciple of Jesus, and I will not give up.  I will look like Jesus, sooner or later.

Father, please make it sooner rather than later.  Holy Spirit, what is the hold up?  Please sanctify me more.  I love you.

power AND wisdom

My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God's power.

1 Corinthians 2:4‭-‬5 NIV

I will keep pressing in to follow Jesus's model of preaching truth and demonstrating the Spirit's power.  

But it's not just the desire to have a thrill like sticking your finger in a light socket.  It's about the "full Gospel": signs and wonders AND the wisdom of God.  

We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. ... However, as it is written: "What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived" — the things God has prepared for those who love him—  these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who knows a person's thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.

1 Corinthians 2:6‭, ‬9‭-‬11 NIV

I want to be close to the Holy Spirit so that I know God's thoughts.

Father, thank you for giving us your Spirit and sharing your thoughts.  Holy Spirit, if there is something preventing you from filling me deeper, then please remove it.  If my capacity is too small, then please stretch me.  I want you to have more of me, and I want more of you.  I love you.

Iron sharpening: synergy

Greet Priscilla and Aquila, my co-workers in Christ Jesus. They risked their lives for me. Not only I but all the churches of the Gentiles are grateful to them.  Greet also the church that meets at their house. ...

Romans 16:3‭-‬5 NIV

The Greek word for "co-workers" is συνεργούς (synergous), which is where we get our English word "synergy".  The effect of us working together is greater than the sum of the indivudual parts.

Look at what a profound effect this synergy had on Paul: not just some, but ALL of the Gentile churches have been impacted by the love and discipleship of Priscilla and Aquila.  One of the greatest tools of the Holy Spirit in our sanctification is a few disciples of Jesus who spur us on towards love and good deeds.

And note that another fundamental rhythm is through home groups.  Meeting regularly in the home as a group of Christ followers is essential to growing the Kingdom.

I need to reinforce my commitment to meet weekly with a few Brothers who lead me deeper.

Father, thank you for providing Brothers and Sisters to lead me on.  I humbly admit that I need them to grow up into the full measure of the stature of Christ.  Holy Spirit, guide me into the weekly rhythms that you want for me.  I love you.

Spiritual Warrior

Night before last, I dreamed that I was enlisting in the military.  Rode a crazy elevator that only had two stops, one at the ground floor and one at the very top (floor 59 or something).  But it felt like it dropped when I got on and went to the top. Met some guys waiting in queue. One of the guys told me that he thinks the 17th (or the 27th?) was the same day that he had enlisted the year before. Another guy asked if I was scared because that day was already taken (he was superstitious).  I told him that I was a follower of Jesus, and sharing something in common could be considered an honor. Instead of thinking that there is only one day available and there is competition over it, my Heavenly Father is so good and loves to bless abundantly.

Last night, I dreamed that I was in a big old house, either for work or church.  I was aware that there were evil spirits in some of the rooms, so I began to go from room to room commanding them to leave. I was inviting the presence of the Holy Spirit and commanding them to leave in the name of Jesus.  There was one room where I wasn't confident that it/they were leaving, so I said, "Father, evict these spirits." I continued to speak with increasing confidence.

This morning I opened up a Bill Johnson sermon on YouTube (https://youtu.be/tIYHOOYPk80) that Austin sent me to finish listening to it; I resumed at minute 44.  Bill said that the Holy Spirit is upon us in power that we might impart Him; He anoints us because we have been sent to bring about a military invasion into a realm that has been occupied by the enemy.

Father, thank you for sending Jesus with the anointing of the Holy Spirit as an example for us to follow. Holy Spirit, thank you for your presence and your patience with me.  I want more of you.  Please increase my capacity to carry more of you, and decrease my resistance to your flow through me.  I want to be a superconductor.  I love you.

Being a man and fear of failure

Yesterday, Brandon met me for lunch at work.  I gave him a quick tour of my office and lab.  

During the lunch conversation, I asked Brandon about his five day personal sabbatical. He was hiking in isolation, borderline survival-style. Brandon has previously encouraged me to take a personal sabbatical, so he challenged me to think more about it.  He suggested camping.  I don't have a problem with being outdoors, but I don't think I have as much of an affinity for it as he does.  I asked Brandi about it last night, and she thinks I would more enjoy a solitary cabin.

Brandon also asked me about what it means to be a man and if I perceive myself to be a man.  I responded to the first with the four principles from The Quest for Authentic Manhood course that I took in Austin.  I responded to the second question with less confidence. Some days, yes, other days, no. He asked me if I consider my dad to be a man, and I have no doubt about that.  

He also asked me about what it would look like for us to have masculine fellowship in a church context.  How can we promote godly masculinity?  He brought up Matt 5:5, which is often translated as, "Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.". However, the Greek word tranlsated as "meek" is "πραεῖς", which means "strong AND self-controlled" or "demonstrating power without undue harshness."  It is like a perfectly trained war-horse or warrior.  Diplomacy first, no fear in the face of battle, all strength and skill readied and poised to be dispensed upon command.

This morning, I remembered one of the Day of the Lord podcast episodes about Jesus being a warrior.  In one sense, Jesus already brought the Day of the Lord.  Jesus battled sin and death, and He is the champion warrior.  That is, Jesus fought as a champion warrior on behalf of everyone that He represented, so that His victory is on behalf of His entire kingdom.  Therefore, we are all victors with Christ, by extension. And yet, we wait for the ultimate Day of the Lord when justice will be completely resolved on all accounts, and Satan will be cast into the lake of fire.  Thus, we are warriors in the now and the not yet.  We continue to advance the proclamation of the victory of the kingdom of Jesus.  And so now we are warriors proving His victory through the fruit of the Spirit and signs and wonders - tangible demonstrations of the delegated authority and power of Jesus through the Holy Spirit.  Our battle is not against flesh and blood.

Father, thank you for the privilege of being your son.  I want to walk in sonship.  Continue to teach me what it means to be a man.  Jesus, thank you for your example of what it looks like to be demonstrating power without undue harshness.  Holy Spirit, thank you for giving me Jesus's authority and power to destroy the works of the devil, to restore people to wholeness, and to advance the Kingdom of Christ.  Teach me today to be a better warrior.  I love you, and I pray in the name of Jesus.

Joy and prophecy

The Holy Spirit revealed to me the other day that if someone asks me about my faith, it is not a serious subject matter; it is a joyous subject to discuss.

fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Hebrews 12:2 NIV

Joy is so valuable to Christ.  It was the reward for His suffering.  If I could just see how priceless joy is...

Reading from today:

Leaving the next day, we reached Caesarea and stayed at the house of Philip the evangelist, one of the Seven. He had four unmarried daughters who prophesied.

Acts 21:8‭-‬9 NIV

I want to grow in prophecy so that I can better mentor and encourage my four children to prophesy.

Father, thank you for giving me a quest for joy this year.  I want to continue growing in joy.  Holy Spirit, break loose whatever is holding you back from flowing more joy through me.  And show me the next steps in growing in prophecy.  I love you, and I ask in the name of Jesus.

Valuing Scripture and Truth

Acts 17:11‭-‬12 NIV

Now the Berean Jews were of more noble character than those in Thessalonica, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true. As a result, many of them believed, as did also a number of prominent Greek women and many Greek men.

When Paul preached in Berea that Jesus was the Christ, they checked the Scriptures because they valued truth.  If you value truth and you daily humble yourself by being open to more truth, then the Scriptures are essential to maturity.

Father, thank you for giving us the Scriptures through the Holy Spirit.  Holy Spirit, open my eyes to see more of Jesus in the Scriptures.  I love you.

We are the light of the world

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can not overcome the light.  Light conquers darkness.  Darkness can not stop the light.  Light quenches darkness.

I have a little flashlight in the console of my car, and the other day I noticed that it was turned on, but it has several settings, so I clicked through and thought that I had turned it off.  But later after sunset, I noticed that it was still on the dim setting. 

I walked around the Hong Kong airport yesterday asking the Father to send more workers into the fields in Asia, especially China.  As I walked around the campus of Nanjing University yesterday, I asked the Father and the Spirit to reveal the Son here.  

I woke up about 4am this morning (not bad considering a 14 hr time difference).  I read about Jesus appearing to Saul on the road to Damascus; Jesus was so bright!  

I am listening to a World Mandate album that Jon Houser gave me years ago, and my heart is stirred and burdened for this country and city. 

Father, may this place be a hub of revival.  Release signs and wonders to accelerate the advancement of the light.  Shine brightly through me today.  I love you, and I ask in the name of Jesus, the Light of the world.

Stephen's example

Now Stephen, a man full of God's grace and power, performed great wonders and signs among the people. Opposition arose, however, from members of the Synagogue of the Freedmen (as it was called)—Jews of Cyrene and Alexandria as well as the provinces of Cilicia and Asia—who began to argue with Stephen. But they could not stand up against the wisdom the Spirit gave him as he spoke.

Acts 6:8‭-‬10 NIV

I want to be faithful to try to heal people.  And I want to lovingly and boldly explain the Gospel, trusting that the Holy Spirit will give me wisdom.

Father, I love you, and I want to be used by you.  I want to see what you are doing and join you in your work.  Jesus, thank you for commissioning me to continue what you started.  Holy Spirit, I want to be faithful to follow your lead and trust your power.  I love you.

Global Entrepreneurship Summit

Several weeks ago, I had the privilege of participating in the 2019 Global Entrepreneurship Summit (GES) in The Hague, Netherlands.  

Brandi and the kids dropped me off at the airport a little early, so I jumped on an earlier flight than scheduled and was able to meet Austin for lunch.  He had just attended a men's leadership retreat with Shawn Bolz, and Shawn had said that he believes that the next great advancement in global evangelism and discipleship will be through international business, especially activated by more people stepping into the prophetic.  This was very encouraging to me, and Austin prayed for me and commissioned me to go to the GES in that context.

Over the next few days, I had some great spiritual conversations with two amazing guys, one from India, and one from Israel.  I am excited to see how Holy Spirit will continue to communicate the love of God through Jesus to these two men.

Holy Spirit, continue to use me and mature me in boldly speaking to people through my work.  Use me to share the Living Water around the world.  I love you.

discipling the nations through entrepreneurship

I am currently at DFW on my way to the Global Entrepreneurship Summit in The Hague, Netherlands.  On the plane from ELP, I read a little more of the book Authority to Heal, and I spent some time telling Holy Spirit that I wanted Him to take a greater hold of me.  I confessed and repented of being short-tempered and giving space for anxious thoughts.  I think I let anxiety take a foothold in the last few weeks of finishing my dissertation.  Anxiety is from the enemy, not from the Father, and I want to be done with anxiety.

Brandi and the kids dropped me off at the airport, and Katelyn's tears really touched me.  It hurts me to leave them.  

I arrived at my gate about an hour and a half before my flight was supposed to leave, and I heard them making final calls for an earlier flight to DFW, so I asked, and they bumped me up to the earlier flight.  Since I was going to have a longer layover than originally planned, I thought, "Who might be at DFW today?", and Austin Degenhart came to mind.  I sent him a text, and he agreed to meet me for lunch.

When I got in his truck, I asked Austin, "So, how is work?", to which he replied, "That is an interesting question."  So, he told me the 11 year back-story to his job and move to Dallas.  It was so encouraging to hear about how he walked in humble obedience to the Spirit, and how he learned to listen to the Holy Spirit in everyday moments. It was very interesting to hear about how he repented from "time" and has learned to walk in the favor of God regarding his presence instead of his effort. 

Austin told me that he asked the Holy Spirit for a word for me, and He told him that the prophetic gifting that is on me is situational words of reconciliation.  This was very encouraging to me, and I told him about ministering to the couple on Thursday evening with the word about a soul-wound.  I am excited about growing in this gifting.

Austin just returned last night from a four-day prophetic conference with Shawn Bolz focused on the topic of his book Modern Prophets, and they "accidentally" gave him an extra book.  He was praying about to whom he should give the book, and when I messaged him this morning, he knew that he was supposed to give it to me.  He told me about how Shawn believes that the next great wave of global discipleship will be through business and entrepreneurship.  He was so excited (and a little jealous) when I told him that I was headed to the GES.  He prayed over me and commissioned me as he dropped me off at the airport after lunch.

Father, thank you for your faithfulness.  Thank you for guiding me and growing me.  Thank you for Jesus's example, and thank you for empowering me with your Spirit.  I want to join you in your work.  I want to love people as you love them, and I want to teach them how to love you and love others. I love you.

I want to point people to Jesus

Now the crowd that was with him when he called Lazarus from the tomb and raised him from the dead continued to spread the word. Many people, because they had heard that he had performed this sign, went out to meet him.

John 12:17‭-‬18 NIV

I want Holy Spirit to use me to make signs pointing people to Jesus.  Specifically, I want to grow in miracle signs and prophecy signs.

With respect to prophecy, Brandi and I counselled with a couple in our church a couple of nights ago, and as I was thinking/praying about it earlier that day, I got the impression that there was a soul-wound that needed to be healed.  At a point in the conversation with the couple, the conversation was about to move on, and I shared what I thought the Holy Spirit had revealed, and I invited them to be open about any soul-wound.  Sure enough, a wound was revealed, and the couple was able to process through that together.  This was very encouraging to me that I felt like I heard from the Holy Spirit and took a small leap of faith to allow Him to use me as an instrument to help them.

So, I need to be faithful to prayerfully listen more often so that I can be used more frequently.

Father, thank you for the opportunity to partner with you in your healing and restoration.  Jesus, I want to point people to you, but apart from you, I can't.  I want to be with you.  Holy Spirit, thank you for using me.  Please make me even more useful to you.  And I want to be friends with you.  It's not always about utility.  I love you.

Knowing and following His voice

John 10:3‭-‬4 NIV

The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.  When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice.

At work, sometimes we have conference calls for research collaboration, and it is amazing how within a few conversations, you know who is speaking because you can recognize their voice.

I need to have some conversations with Jesus so that I can learn His voice.

Father, thank you for sending Jesus to make the way for us to be reunited with you.  Jesus, you are the Shepherd, and I want to know your voice.  Holy Spirit, please teach me the voice of Jesus.  I love you.

speak what is true

John 8:28 So Jesus said, "... I do nothing on my own but speak just what the Father has taught me."

Many times I say what I think.  But I want to follow Jesus's example and speak just what the Father has taught me through the Holy Spirit.

Father, please teach me.  I need to spend more time listening to you.  Jesus, thank you for your example.  Holy Spirit, lead me and teach me to sit with the Father.  I am a son, and I want to live a life of freedom in the Son.  I love you.

perfect communion

As I read through John 6 this time, I was impressed with the substantial repetition of Jesus saying, "eat my flesh" or "eat my flesh and drink my blood".  These statements seem so harsh and illogical, but Jesus said it so many times.  How many times?  I counted seven.

The number seven symbolizes perfection and completion.  And I don't think Jesus was encouraging cannibalism, so perhaps His statements were about chewing and digesting His message, and/or symbolic of the elements of communion (bread and wine).

Father, please help me be humble enough to not be offended at Jesus's words.  Jesus, I trust you. Holy Spirit, please help me chew and digest the Word.  I want to know you, and I want to be completely yours.  I want to be in perfect communion with you.  May there be nothing offensive in me.  Please shape my mind so that nothing hinders me from having a better relationship with you.  I love you, and I ask in the name of Jesus.

Mother's Day reflection

At the beginning of the gathering on Sunday, Peter asked us to take a few minutes to reflect on how your mom revealed the character of God.  Here are some thoughts from my reflection about my mom:

- truth - She values the pursuit of truth through inquiry, that what is spoken is true and worthy of being said, as well as speaking the Truth of the Gospel.

- mercy - Everyone makes mistakes, and we need to forgive them and restore them, just like our Father does with us

- provision - When I was growing up, a significant fraction of my mom's time was devoted to grocery shopping and meal preparation, and she did it faithfully and generously.

- protection - Example: When we lived on the edge of the Caprock escarpment, we regularly encountered rattlesnakes, and one time she shot a rattlesnake in our front yard with a .22 rifle from the front porch.  There is also a great spiritual analogy there of snakes representing evil and/or lies.

- help - Example: I worked on a project in high school Biology about the Krebs cycle, and she helped collect the materials and layout.

- faithfulness - She operates as a genuine and faithful partner/agent in her marriage, with her children, as an employee, etc.  Example: When my parents were in charge of the high school football concession stand, my mom performed many cost comparisons and cooked thousands of baked potatoes to maximize financial support for the band. 

- grace - She blessed us with good things, just because.  Examples: pecan pie, saving money from her piano tutoring to pay for vacations, going to the city swimming pool in the summer.

- beauty - She has a general appreciation for recognizing beauty inherent in God's design of creation (e.g., sunrises and sunsets, landscapes), as well as her own artistic expression of beauty (e.g., singing in the church choir or solos, playing the piano).

Later in the gathering, Rebekah shared a comparison of attributes of God expressed in Proverbs 31 and Matthew 6, which echoed several of the points in my reflection of my mom.

Father, thank you for my mom, and thank you for her personal relationship with you through Jesus.  Thank you for the opportunity to observe her growing in closeness with you, and thank you for her emulation of you. I love you.

Short story, first attempt

There was a good king who sincerely loved the people of his land, but an enemy snuck in and deceived the people to think that the king did not love them.  The enemy convinced the people that the king was witholding good things from them and that they should defect and rebel against the king, and so all of the people of the land chose to become enemies of the king.  The penalty for being a traitor to the king was banishment from the land, and the price to be reinstated as a citizen again was 1000 years' wages, more than anyone could ever pay.  But the king genuinely loved the people, so the king sent his son, the prince, to pay the price for all of the people in the land and to leave a notice of payment in the king's official court for each and every person, and he sent heralds to announce to all people that their reinstatement had been paid for.  The king required that each rebel return to him with a white flag of surrender, humbly apologize for rebelling, thank him for paying the price of reinstatement, and make an oath of allegiance to the king.

(This was my first attempt at writing a short story to capture some of John 3, but it doesn't emphasize enough the magnitude of sacrifice.)

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. ... Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God's wrath remains on them.

John 3:16‭-‬17, 36 NIV

Father, thank you for loving me so much.  May my life tell your story.  I love you.

water to wine

John 2

9 and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside 10 and said, "Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now."

I asked Holy Spirit about the symbolism of this sign.  I got a picture of Jesus at the cross when the soldier pierced his side, and blood and water flowed.  And the night before when Jesus told his disciples that the wine represented his blood, poured out for us.  Chronologically, I was reminded of Romans 5:

6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.

A lot of time passed between the fall in the Garden of Eden and Jesus's death on the cross.  God saved the best until then.  Jesus's humanity, symbolized by water, was turned into wine, symbolizing the Wedding Banquet of the Lamb.  

Each of the six ceremonial washing jars held the equivalent of 100 to 150 modern bottles of wine, and  600 to 900 bottles of wine (enough to take a bath in) symbolize the abundant generosity of God.  Jesus's blood flowed full stream.

Father, thank you for your great love, lavished on us all, that we can be your children.  Thank you for inviting us to the abundant banquet table.  Jesus, thank you for your abundant love.  Thank you for transforming my ordinary human life into a supernatural life, imbibed with your life.  Holy Spirit, anoint me and spill over through me today.  I ask in the name of Jesus.

It's not about winning ball games

But it sure is a boost when we do!  Oh, man, the kids were so excited to win last night!  After the third inning, it was tied up at five runs. Our kids hit their seven-run limit in the top of the fourth, and we held the home team to two runs in the bottom side for the win. It was so great to see their confidence and excitement during the top of the fourth.  Even a kid who hasn't hit much this season got a double!  

I've been praying the last several days about this.  Maybe it seems inconsequential, but I really was asking God to bless these kids with an opportunity for a win.  They were so glad to break the losing streak.

Father, thank you for the opportunity for a win.  I know it's not about winning baseball games.  I want to be able to keep a good attitude, win or lose, just like I tell the kids.  I guess in the spiritual domain, there is no losing, only playing more innings until we win.  I love you.

Discipleship through coaching baseball

This coaching experience has been challenging to me.  We still haven't won a game.  I think Holy Spirit is using this situation to expose some deep-seated values/beliefs in my heart that I am valuable because of my accolades or that my happiness is conditional on preferred circumstances.  Moreover, I have learned that I need to reach out and ask for help and not expect people to see that I need help and step up.

After getting run-ruled last game, I could tell that the kids were really down.  So I reiterated that I as a coach can try to help them, but they get to choose their own attitude.  And from the perspective of eternity, we are going to care about the quality of our attitude but not how many games we won or lost.  If we (1) have fun, (2) play with integrity, and (3) get better, then we have indeed succeeded. But I am fighting a pervasive paradigm that says that your a loser if you lose.  I am fighting this paradigm among them, as well as my own heart.

Heavenly Father, thank you for the opportunity to coach these kids.  May they see your truth and love lived out through me. May they know that you love them unconditionally and are proud of them because of who they are, not because of what they do. I love you, and I pray in the name of Jesus.

Letting go of some stuff

We watched a Marie Kondo episode on Netflix on Saturday, and as recommended we started implementing the principles with clothes.  We let go of more than we kept.

Brandi and I have gone through our closet several times before, but never this effectively.  Saturday evening Brandi asked what it was that made such a difference this time.  For me, it was thanking God for each garment that I put in the donate pile, and thanking Him for the season of my life in which to wear it.  It helped bring resolution and closure to those garments that had sentimental value.

One in particular was an MIT shirt that I bought at the campus bookstore when I attended the graduated student recruitment weekend in 2004.  I've probably only worn it a few times in 15 years; it represented a combination of self-pride and a nag of what might have been.

On Friday afternoon, Andres rode with me to Alamogordo for a research meeting, and in the car we continued a previous conversation about how I shame myself for unrealized potential.  As a recovering perfectionist, I condemn myself for not realizing my full potential.  And nearly every time I see someone on TV interviewed from MIT, I am jealous of that opportunity that I had. I think it is related to the notion that MIT is one of the best engineering schools.  What if I could have been more impactful with my life if I had gone to MIT?  In reality, probably not, but I do think I would have been more arrogant about my credentials.  

As we were driving, Andres pointed out the mirage on the road ahead of us and applied the metaphor.  What might have been is only a mirage; you can never grasp it.  And unrealized potential is also a mirage; an attribute of fallen humanity is that we do not live our lives perfectly, a priori.  That is why we need a savior, and we are committed to allowing Him to sanctify us.  We need mercy for falling short, and His grace makes up the difference.

So, as put the MIT shirt in the donate pile, I thanked my Father for giving me the opportunity to interview at MIT. I felt like it was also symbolic of me putting away my wondering of what might have been.

Father, thank you for blessing me at every stage.  Thank you for guiding me and providing for me.  Thank you for helping me let go of the past.  Please help me let go of the desire to be the "best".  I want to be who you have made me to be, regardless of whether or not that is "best" according to anyone's definition of "best".  Jesus, I honor you for being the best.  Thank you for your guaranteed forgiveness of my failures.  And thank you that I am living a divine comedy; you are constantly redirecting my life for my good.  Holy Spirit, help me rest in your presence and love.  Please help me live in the freedom of genuinely living according to what I understand you are inviting me to and not worrying about my errors and shortcomings or disappointing people.  In the name of Jesus, I am enough because I am in Christ, and Christ is in me, and He is enough.  His blood and righteousness cover me.  I love you.

Why isn't humility included in the fruit of the Spirit?

Recorded in Luke 14, Jesus contrasted banquet-seating choice scenarios and recommended the humble approach.  

In Phil 2, Paul encouraged us to have the humble mind of Christ.

It seems like humility is essential for intimacy with God (e.g., Moses).

So, why isn't humility listed in the fruit of the Spirit in Gal 5?

Perhaps, in this mysterious collaboration with God to become like Christ, my spiritual maturity and/or intimacy with God is rate-limited by my freewill choice to humble myself before Him.  

Over the last several years, the parable of the prodigal son has become my favorite parable of Jesus.  I think the prodigal son demonstrates humility:

I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.  I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.'  So he got up and went to his father. ...

Luke 15:18‭-‬20a NIV

And we see the father's mercy and grace in response to the son's humility.  

... But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

Luke 15:20b NIV

Indeed, this is a fundamental spiritual principle/promise explicitly stated in Proverbs, 1 Peter, and James:

But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble."

James 4:6 NIV

Father, I want to humble myself before you.  No pretense or presumption.  I want to be fully transparent and genuine, no hiding anything from you- no trying to cover up anything, and no trying to make more of myself than I am.  And at the same time, I want to be totally secure in your love, knowing that nothing I can do will make you love me more or less.  Jesus, thank you for your example of a humble life, not holding on to your deity, but fully living out the life of a servant. Thank you for submitting to the Father. Holy Spirit, thank you for the opportunity to be close with you all the time.  Thank you for your presence.  Please help me remember to choose to be humble to maintain our fellowship.  I love you, and I want to be close to you, so I want to be humble. 

Thirty years of following Jesus

Thirty years ago, yesterday, I gave my life to Jesus.

I don't think it is a coincidence that my parents came to see us this past weekend, and my mom brought the cassette tapes from the guest preacher (Toby McSwain) who preached a week of "revival" sermons the week that I put my faith in Christ.   It has been nostalgic and spiritually stirring to dust off an old cassette tape player that my Grandmother gave me and start listening to those sermons that the Holy Spirit spoke so powerfully through thirty years ago.

I am thankful for how I have grown in the Lord these past three decades, and I hope that I will accelerate my growth in Him.

Father, thank you for giving me faith to live in Christ.  Please grow me exponentially with time.  Please transform me and use me more today than ever before.  Jesus, I want to be known as your disciple.  Holy Spirit, produce more of your fruit in my life, and lead me to use the gifts that you've given me to be more impactful.  I love you.

Forgiving myself for not being perfect

I work too much.  I am still working on figuring out what motivates me to work so hard.  

I got really discouraged on Friday when I was the only coach at practice, again. I started the season assuming that it was going to be a collaboration, but I need to let that go.  But it sent me into a spiral because I am tired of working so hard for other people's approval and coming up emory handed.  I need to shift my attitude to do things because my Heavenly Father wants me to join Him in doing them.

One of my fiercest battles is that I consistently feel like a failure because so few of my PhD students have published journal papers.  The reality is that my thesis and dissertation advisers both operated with a framework of encouraging publishing but not requiring publication during the degree, so I did not publish my own work until after I graduated, and I still feel like a failure for that because I compare myself to other professors who had a great start on their H-index before they graduated and who prioritize publications from their students.  I have not developed an effective system for training students to write papers and submit them earlier in their progress towards their degree.  And I carry shame for my students not publishing. 

My mom and Brandi each pulled me aside Saturday afternoon.  My mom said that I need to let grace cover the deficit that I feel, but I couldn't see how grace could increase my H-index. Brandi pulled me aside a little later and asked me what was going on.  I told her that I was still wrestling with what we had talked about Thursday morning.  Lovingly but frankly, she told me that I had a choice to continue listening to lies or to start believing who my Father says I am in Christ.  She told me to take a shower and wash off the lies down the drain and come downstairs in a better mood.  To be honest, I sort of didn't want to; I sort of wanted to stay discouraged.  It takes effort to change your attitude, and I just wanted to be lazy. I wanted to blame it on other people, but she told me that my Heavenly Father has given me everything I need to do what is right, so it is my choice. I couldn't argue with her.  She said that we want to live the life that we want our kids to follow, so we need to set an example for them.  She said that I can humble myself and ask Holy Spirit for help to change my attitude or I could stay proud and down.  So, I listened to her.  I am so thankful that she helped me change my attitude.  And we had a good time watching Texas Tech win their NCAA Final Four game Saturday night. 

At the end of the gathering yesterday, I asked Leigh to pray for me.  She said that I need to see myself through God's perspective.

This morning, I read about Martha being frustrated because she was doing all the work.  I need to be more like Mary and focus on what is eternally valuable.  I'm not saying that journal publications are inconsequential, only that I shouldn't make them my sole metric of success.  I need to focus on loving, worshipping, and obeying the Lord, and He will direct my path.

Father, thank you for giving me everything I need to know you and obey you.  Jesus, thank you for your example.  Holy Spirit, thank you for your presence.  I love you.  Open my eyes to see me from your perspective.

Deliverance is sometimes messy

Those who had seen it told the people how the demon-possessed man had been cured. Then all the people of the region of the Gerasenes asked Jesus to leave them, because they were overcome with fear. So he got into the boat and left.

Luke 8:36‭-‬37 NIV

Some people care more about tidiness than people being delivered from terrible bondage.  But following Jesus's example, for the love of that person who is in bondage, we must be committed to deliverance ministry.

Father, thank you for your desire for everyone to be citizens of the Kingdom of Light.  Jesus, thank you for being the King who rules in love and peace.  Holy Spirit, thank you for using me to deliver people from darkness, terror, pain, and bondage into light, peace, hope, and love.  Please use me today. I love you, and I ask in the name of Jesus.

Promoting wholeness

On another Sabbath he went into the synagogue and was teaching, and a man was there whose right hand was shriveled. The Pharisees and the teachers of the law were looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, so they watched him closely to see if he would heal on the Sabbath. But Jesus knew what they were thinking and said to the man with the shriveled hand, "Get up and stand in front of everyone." So he got up and stood there.  Then Jesus said to them, "I ask you, which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to destroy it?"  He looked around at them all, and then said to the man, "Stretch out your hand." He did so, and his hand was completely restored.

Luke 6:6‭-‬10 NIV

How many times had that man with a shriveled hand attended Sabbath gathering and been overlooked as "impure"?  How many times had he been ignored or overlooked.  How many times had people wondered if it was his own sin or his parents's sin that resulted in the condition of his hand?

How did the man feel when Jesus asked him to stand up in front of everyone? Did he keep his shrivelled hand hidden under his garment? 

Jesus's question to us is polarizing.  I am either doing good or evil, helping save people or destroying them.  Jesus gives me no middle ground.  When I marginalize or ignore people, I am doing evil and destroying people.  But when I love people and heal them, I am partnering with God to save life and do good.

Taking notice of people and beholding them is the first step (implicit in v.6).

Father, your heart is always to do good and save.  Jesus, thank you for your example of partnering with Father in beholding, loving, teaching, healing, saving, and restoring.  Holy Spirit, thank you for your love and power - the same love and power that you shared with Jesus, you share with me.  Please teach me and use me.  I love you, and I ask in the name of Jesus.

Supernatural abundance is a sign of the Kingdom

Reading Luke 5:1-11, the first time Jesus tells Peter to cast his nets, and they catch a big haul. Then the fisherman left everything and became disciples Jesus.  

Holy Spirit showed me that supernatural abundance is one of the signs of the Kingdom.  Like Jesus feeding the 5000.  Peter Jordan has taught us the last couple of Sundays that signs point to Jesus.  We don't love the signs; we love Jesus.  

Father, I praise you for your goodness and abundance.  I think abundance is part of the lesson on "joy" for me this year.  Like an overflow of laughter.  Jesus, thank you for your examples of abundance.  Holy Spirit use me to make more signs (e.g., supernatural abundance) in my daily life to show more people your goodness and point more people to love Jesus.  I love you, not for the abundance of things you provide, but for who you are. You are and amazing person.

How many demons stay quiet in churches?

Then he went down to Capernaum, a town in Galilee, and on the Sabbath he taught the people. They were amazed at his teaching, because his words had authority.  In the synagogue there was a man possessed by a demon, an impure spirit. He cried out at the top of his voice, "Go away! What do you want with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who you are—the Holy One of God!"

Luke 4:31‭-‬34 NIV

When I was a kid, I used to think that demons weren't around anymore.  But now I think that most of the time they operate more inconspicuously here in the U.S., especially in church meetings. 

What if we spoke and lived with the authority that Christ walked in and the authority that He delegated to us? Would the collision of the Kingdom of Heaven which we bring be more obvious?  Even in church gatherings?

I think it would be especially obvious in church gatherings.

Father, thank you for making me a son in your Kingdom.  Jesus, thank you for delegating your royal authority to me and for giving me your Holy Spirit.  Holy Spirit, I want to be used by you to reveal your power to implement the lordship of Jesus here on earth as it is in Heaven.  Teach me.  Show me the next steps.  I love you, and I ask in the name of Jesus.

Healing is a sign promised to all believers

[Jesus] said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation.  Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned.  And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues;  they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well."

Mark 16:15‭-‬18 NIV

First, Jesus explains that if you believe the Gospel, then you will be saved. Second, in the next sentence, Jesus explains that if you believe, then you will heal the sick.

I think I have been thinking that healing is only for a select few.  But Jesus includes healing as a sign for those who believe the Gospel.  I believe the Gospel, therefore I am able to be used by Him to heal.

Father, thank you for your desire to heal.  Jesus, thank you for your promises of signs for those who believe the Gospel. Holy Spirit, please show me how to walk in your promises.  I love you.

I want to echo Holy Spirit

Whenever you are arrested and brought to trial, do not worry beforehand about what to say. Just say whatever is given you at the time, for it is not you speaking, but the Holy Spirit.

Mark 13:11 NIV

I would prefer not to be arrested, but I would like to channel the Holy Spirit.

I had the opportunity to pray for a lady at lunch yesterday who does not yet know Jesus personally.  I told her that her Father loves her and wants a personal, conversational relationship with her.  And then I prayed for her, asking Holy Spirit to show himself to her in clear ways.  I hope that I was saying what the Holy Spirit was saying.

I suppose that the way to learn which voice to channel is to practice channeling the voice that I think is the Holy Spirit.  If it produces the fruit of the Spirit, then I will know that it was the Holy Spirit.  If not, then I ask for mercy and try again.

Father and Jesus, thank you for giving me the Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit, thank you for your patience with me as I learn to tune in to your voice.  I love you, and I want to be able to single your gentle voice out of a roaring crowd.  I want to be so centered on you that my own thoughts submit to your lordship. May your love and power be clearly shown through me. I love you, and I ask in the name of Jesus.

Restoration of Bartimeaus

Mark 10:46‭-‬47 NIV

Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus (which means "son of Timaeus"), was sitting by the roadside begging. When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!"

I think it is interesting that Mark explains that "bar" means "son of".  That is like explaining that "el niño" means "the niño".  But maybe it was a subtle hint to take a look at the meaning of the name Timaeus?

Timaeus (Τιμαῖος) means "highly prized".  I imagine that Bartimaeus might have felt like his name was sarcastically ironic, as he sat there begging day after day, many people overlooking him and ignoring him, or pretending that they didn't see or hear him.  I wonder if he ever felt like his dad was highly prized, but he wasn't.  

But actually, every person is highly prized because we inherently bear the glory of our Father. We are made in His image.  

When Bartimaeus heard that Hope was near, he called out for mercy from Jesus (Ἰησοῦς), the one whose name means, "Yahweh saves".  Bartimaeus also called Him "Son of David", a term associated with the Messiah (Christ), the announced one who ushers in the fulfillment of the promises of God.

Jesus took time to notice Bartimeaus and ask him what he wanted.  And Jesus gave him sight.

Indeed, Jesus sees us all through the eyes of divine favor, and He has already purchased our freedom from darkness.  With a simple ask of faith, we can walk with spiritual sight.

Father, thank you for making us all highly prized like you.  I want to see the worth that you have given each of us.  Jesus, I want to continue your ministry of restoring people to wholeness.  Holy Spirit, please guide me and empower me.  I love you, and I pray in the name of Jesus.

Stewarding our children to love Jesus

Last night, I read the story of Eli and Samuel from the Adventure Bible to my kids.  It seems like Eli trained Samuel, but why didn't Eli train his sons to love Yahweh?  And as high priest (one who was acutely aware of God's passion for holiness), why didn't Eli discipline his sons?

This is speculation, but maybe when Eli was a new father, he didn't understand the importance of training the next generation to love God.  Maybe he was too focused on his career and trying to become high priest.  Or maybe he treated Samuel differently because he thought his sons were his own but he knew that Samuel belonged to someone else.  

I think sometimes we take better care of something/someone valuable when we are aware that we are stewards, not owners, because we know that we are accountable to the owner for the quality of our care.

Last night, Jude told me, "You're the best dad! Well, second-best." I smiled and told him, "Thank you, Jude!" He gets it.

Father, thank you for the wonderful family that you have entrusted me to steward. Help Brandi and me guide our kids to know you and love you because they are fundamentally your children.  I want to be faithful to that reality.  Holy Spirit, please bless our home with awareness of your presence.  I love you, and I ask in the name of Jesus.

Jesus, I'm watching for you

In my hotel room today, I wanted to turn around and see Jesus (like when He appeared to Paul in Corinth).

I told him that I am searching for Him and watching for Him.  I know that He is here, and I believe that I will see Him.

Jesus, I want to see you.  Yes, I want to see you more in the faces of others than I already do, but I really want to see you in you!  Please show yourself.  I love you.

I walk in joy because my family is in a good mood

I woke up at 3:45am to catch an early flight on Monday morning.  I was tired from my first baseball practice as head coach on Saturday morning and preaching Sunday afternoon.

As I was walking to my gate in the airport, I realized that I am in a good mood because my family is in a good mood.  My Father is in a good mood, my Big Brother Jesus is in a good mood, and my best friend Holy Spirit is in a good mood.  Even more, my wife is almost always in a good mood.  So, I am going to choose to be in a good mood.

Father, thank you for setting the culture of our family, and Jesus, thank you for revealing the Father.  Holy Spirit, thank you for your fun-loving attitude.  And thank you for blessing me with such a wonderful wife.  I love you.

Re-new me, today, so that I can be stretched again

And who would pour fresh, new wine into an old wineskin? Eventually the wine will ferment and make the wineskin burst, losing everything—the wine will be spilled and the wineskin ruined. Instead, new wine is always poured into new wineskins."

Mark 2:22 TPT

This can happen on a daily basis if I make my soul available to the Holy Spirit.

Holy Spirit, make me new, again, today.  Your mercies are new every morning.  Yesterday was great, and I am thankful for that.  But I want more of you.  I am thirsty for you today.  And I want you to keep filling me.  You are so respectful that you don't generally barge your way in.  You enter when you are invited.  And then you expand.  Break loose anything in my life that does not honor you.  Remove anything that is taking up space in my soul that could otherwise be occupied by you.  Please wash out the dregs out of this wineskin to make more room for you.  Please fill me, as much as I can handle today, and prepare my soul to be stretched as much as you can today without destroying me. Increase my capacity to be filled and dispensed by you. Pour yourself through me so that others will taste and see that you are good.  You are so good!  You are the best vintage, ever!  I love you.

My Father doesn't think I'm a nerd

I listened to another Soultime meditation about shame, and I asked Holy Spirit to show me how I have judged myself.  The thought that came to mind is that somewhere in high school, I began to believe a lie that being an intelligent person is weird, and I let the stigma of being a "nerd" slip into my self-identity.

Sometimes I have struggled with the type of intelligence that God has given me.  For example, sometimes I have wished that God had given me artistic or musical talent, but I want to be grateful for the type of intelligence that I have.

A couple of weeks ago, Randy preached about loving the Lord with all of your mind, and he identified some lies about intelligence.  Intelligence does not make you a more valuable person than other people; intelligence is simply one type of gifting that God gives some people.  The question is, am I going to use this gift to love God and love my neighbor?

So, today, I resolve to reject shame about the intelligence that God has given me.  I will no longer give space to the "nerd" stigma that the enemy wants me to embrace.  The Lord has good plans for me to use the gifts that he has given me for His glory, and I will delight in who He has made me.

Father, you are good, and I celebrate your goodness.  You give good gifts to your children, and I will not stand in contempt of what you have given me.  Nor will I allow myself to believe that I am more special than anyone else because of the type of intelligence that you have given me.  Please give me a healthy self-awareness.  I commit myself to fulfill the destiny that you have for me.  I love you, and I pray in the name of Jesus.

The stone was rolled away for us, not for Jesus

There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it.

Matthew 28:2 NIV

I am not sure if I have understood this before, but after His resurrection, Jesus was suddenly in a locked room with His disciples, so obviously He was not confined in the tomb.  Thus, the angel rolled back so that we could see that the tomb is empty, not so that Jesus could get out.

I love the scene of the angel, bright as lightning, sitting on the stone, smiling ear to ear, eager to show off the goodness of God.

Father, thank you for sending the angel to roll back the stone from the tomb so that we can see that the tomb is empty.  Holy Spirit, fill me with joy in knowing that the tomb is empty. I love you.

I am putting down the gavel

I remember riding the bus in Austin with a guy named Herb, and he told me one time, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy."  But as the Holy Spirit revealed to me almost two months ago, I need to repent of being judgemental so that He can produce more joy in me. And I think it is connected to wanting to be correct.

Correctness is so deeply rooted in my thinking.  It is almost instinctual.  

I need to implement a litmus test of love.  Am I wanting to correct that person because I love them and sincerely want the best that God has for them?  For example, even with my children, I want to make sure that I am correcting them and disciplining them because I want them to experience the abundant life that Christ has promised.

I confess that, many times, I simply want justice to be served more than I want to better that person.  Somehow, I think I am the jury and the judge.

I think it goes back to eating the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil in the Garden of Eden.  The consequence is that I think I know good and evil, omnisciently.  But I need to humble myself and repent of thinking that I am like God in knowing enough to pass correct judgment.  He, alone, is Judge.  

So, I am committing to put down the gavel.  

Holy Spirit, search me, and illuminate the motives of my actions.  I confess that I have been arrogant and proud, thinking that I am correct and that I know enough to pass judgment on others.  I humble myself before you and ask for your grace to show me when I pick up your gavel so that I can put it back down before I try to use it.  I don't even realize how dangerous it is for me to pick up your gavel - like a child picking up a nail gun, liable to hurt myself and others.  I choose joy instead of judgment.  Please grow more joy in me. I love you.

Feeling and processing frustration

I am listening to a Soultime app series about understanding shame, and one of the concepts was about how I felt and experienced things as a child.

Holy Spirit, I think when I was a child, I developed an unhealthy habit of expressing frustration with my brothers through verbal and physical violence.  I remember saying mean things or hitting them, and I confess that those ways of dealing with frustration are not righteous and Christ-like (James 1:20).  I am sorry that I did those things.  Thank you for your forgiveness and for washing me clean of those offenses.  

Holy Spirit, I wonder to what extent that created mental patterns or tendencies that might influence the way that I deal with frustration to this day.  I am a new creation in Christ Jesus, and I want the full mind of Christ (Phil 2:5-8).  I want to be transformed by the renewing of my mind (Rom 12:1-2), so, I want my mind to be set on the Spirit 24-7 (Rom 8:5-6).  

Holy Spirit, when I get frustrated, about anything, I first want my mind to be aware that I am frustrated and to evaluate that frustration under the illumination of your presence.  I know that you will give me discernment.  If my frustration is legitimate, then give me supernatural guidance in how to express that frustration in a loving and constructive way.  Or if my frustration is only from the selfish flesh, then show me how to align my flesh with the death of Christ (Gal 2:20-21).  

I love you, and I am excited about the transformation that you are affecting in me.  

I am worthy of God's love

Shame is a painful feeling of not measuring up.  Guilt is about doing wrong, whereas shame is about being wrong.

Jesus, I break agreement with all shame.  You took all my shame on the cross, so there is none left for me.  Holy Spirit, who am I?

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psalm 139:13‭-‬14 NIV

Father, I am worthy of your love not because of anything I have done but because you made me that way.  You bought me back with the blood of Christ, and you don't have buyer's remorse.  I love you, and I love me for who I am because you intentionaly made me uniquely me.

What we should be doing in corporate gathering

After Jesus rode into town on a donkey's colt:

Matthew 21:12‭-‬14 NIV

Jesus entered the temple courts and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves. "It is written," he said to them, " 'My house will be called a house of prayer,'  but you are making it 'a den of robbers.' "  The blind and the lame came to him at the temple, and he healed them.

Jesus showed them (and us) that we are not supposed to profit off of people's confession.  Instead, we should be healing people.

Saturday evening, we had an off-cycle Paseo gathering.  It was low turnout, but Peter shared a powerful framework for intimacy in relationships, and the elders went around praying for many of the people who were there.  I felt like we were living out Jesus's model.

Father, please bless our church to continue growing in doing your will.  I know that you love to heal.  I love you.

Drinking the cup

When the mother of James and John asked Jesus for her sons to be in the highest places of honor in His kingdom, Jesus replied:

"You don't know what you are asking," Jesus said to them. "Can you drink the cup I am going to drink?" "We can," they answered.  Jesus said to them, "You will indeed drink from my cup, but to sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared by my Father."  ... Jesus called them together and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles Lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them.  Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant,  and whoever wants to be first must be your slave—  just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Matthew 20:22‭-‬23‭, ‬25‭-‬28 NIV

Just prior to this story, Matthew explained that Jesus clearly told his disciples what was going to happen in Jerusalem.  So, when Jesus asked them if they could drink his cup, I think He meant martyrdom.  But when James and John replied that they could drink the cup, I think Jesus's affirmation had a triple meaning.  First, literally, they would drink the cup of wine that represents His blood poured out for their son and mine.  Second, they would follow Jesus's lifestyle of servanthood.  Third, James did give his life as a martyr.

So, when I drink the cup in communion in our Sunday gathering, I want to remember that I am committing to be a servant and possibly a martyr.

Father, I want to follow your will.  I want my will to be molded to match your will.  I want to lovingly and joyfully serve my wife and children, church, friends, students, and colleagues.  Jesus, thank you for your example.  Holy Spirit, thank you for your presence and power to emulate Jesus.  I love you.

Prayer from Jan 9

I wrote this in my prayer journal several weeks ago, but I want to document it here.

Jesus, I am struggling with feeling overwhelmed with work.  What do you want me to do about this?

During His ministry, Jesus had a lot on His plate, but He didn't let it overwhelm Him because He daily took rest with the Father (and sometimes extra naps).  It's not about doing more; it's about doing the Father's will.

Jesus, thank you that joy is found in rest.  Jesus, what part of this struggle will help me?

You grow in maturity by learning to discern between what is good and what is best.  There are a lot of things you  could to, but what should you do?

Thank you, Father, that I am free in Christ from all that the world expects of me.  I am free to do only what you desire.  Jesus, what part of this struggle will hurt me?

If you allow yourself to be governed by the world's expectations, you will be battered by the tide against the rocky shore - battered to destruction.

Jesus, what do you want me to do with that part?

Don't sell yourself out to destruction.  Walk in life and abundance.

Thank you, Jesus.  I will follow you.  I love you.

Fasting

Brandi and I completed our first three-day water fast this morning, as a conclusion to our first 21-day Daniel fast.  Both were challenging, but especially the water fast.

In the announcements on Sunday, I shared that Brandi and I were going to finish the Daniel fast with a water fast.  Sam reached out to us on Tuesday and asked if we would be interested in Joanna leading a praise night at our home at the conclusion of the fast.  It was such a blessing! Especially yesterday at the most difficult part of the fast, I was able to look forward to praising the Lord that evening.  I am very thankful for our church body and people being attentive to encourage and bless others in their walk with Christ.

When I woke up this morning, my spirit was singing, "Day and night, night and day, let insence arise!"

I know that we grew in discipline and self-control, and we sowed seeds of faith that will grow and bear fruit in the future.  We practiced a posture of humility to make ourselves available to experiencing God in a deeper way.

Father, thank you for sustaining us through this fasting.  Jesus, thank you for your example.  Holy Spirit, we want more of you.  Make us more like Jesus.  I love you.

Transactions versus rewards

On Sunday, Rebekah Bell preached on the topic of spiritual disciplines, and her description of the sisciplines was based on Richard Foster's Celebration of Disciplines.  Her thesis concept was that relationships are not transactional (though many of us approach them with that mindset), and that we choose to exercise spiritual disciplines because we ant to perpare ourselves to dive deeper in relationship and experience with God.

For example, like Rebekah, I used to think of prayer and fasting as a quid pro quo, perhaps as an artifact of misinterpretation of "You have not because you ask not."  But recently I have begun to see prayer as conversation among family and friends. And I am learning that fasting is not arm twisting God into doing what we want.  Actually, it is more about arm twisting my body and soul into obeying my Spirit, which is led by the Holy Spirit.

I am seeing that there is a difference between wages and reward.  If I have a transactional, quid pro quo, interaction with God, then I am expecting wages to be paid out based on my religious performance.  But if I am in Son-Brother-Friend relationship with God, then I am a beneficiary of His good nature.  

So, as we are in the last several days of this 21 day fast, I want to focus on growing in my living relationship with God because He is the best thing in the world.  He is the buried treasure.  And I know that His promises are true:

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

Matthew 5:6 NIV

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Hebrews 11:6 NIV

Father, I know that you are good, and you satisfy those who hunger and thirst for you.  Jesus, I want to be more like you.  Holy Spirit, I want more of you.  I love you.